What could have been.

- Chapter 43 -

Eden, Jocelyn, Clara and I are waiting for Brody outside his lecture building so we can go to lunch off campus together. I don’t know whether I’m being more paranoid than usual but it feels like near enough anyone that walks by are staring at me. They could be staring at us; I mean Jocelyn is talking loud enough to draw people’s attention our way, Perhaps, I am being overly paranoid.

The double doors swing open at the top of the stairs and a herd of students rush out. The four of us sidestep out the way, allowing more of a path.

“Hey, Sienna.” I know that voice. I bring my attention away from the building where I expect Brody to come from. I almost gasp out after taking in Darcey’s appearance, thankfully, my gasp gets lodged in my throat in time for Eden to ask if she’s ok. 

Darcey’s hair that is usually worn down is up in a high bun, only leaving her bangs to hang heavy above her glassed over eyes. 

“Can I talk to you...privately?” Darcey asks. I nod and follow her further down a path given us some distance from everyone. 

Darcey shifts in place, pulling on the loose strands of material of her jumper that’s peeking through her leather blazer sleeve. A few of her dyed blonde hair strands that are normally hidden underneath her dark brown hair have fallen out of her bun, she tucks them behind her ears, then returns to fidgeting with her sleeve material. 

“Everything ok?” I ask, confused on whether it’s comfort she may want from me. We’re not friends, nothing close to the word but I feel sorry for Darcey. I know it has to be something bad if it’s enough to bring Darcey this clear amount of hurt. Despite our differences, one thing I know and can give her credit for is how strong she is. She is one of the strongest women I know. She won’t take any shit from anyone.

“No.” She sniffs, clearing her throat. Rubbing her eyes with the back of her hand, Darcey takes a large inhale of breath through her nose then slowly releases it through her mouth. “Brent and I broke up.” 

What the Fu-

“That's not why I wanted to talk to you. Sienna, have you heard from Joseph lately?” 

I take a step back. I need a moment to process the two things I least expected her to say. “Yes-” I lower my voice, looking over my shoulder I notice Brody has now joined the others and their all talking with their backs to us. Leaning in, I say. “He called two weeks ago. Why?”
 
“He wanted to meet up right?” 

I nod. 

“Do it. Go and see him, please, Sienna.” Darcey holds my gaze. “It's important that you do.”  She turns and heads in the direction of the car park.

“Wait, Darcey.” I rush over to her.

“Why? Why should I see him?” 

“I know we’re not friends, Sienna. But I hope you know that I wouldn’t go out of my way to ask you to do this unless it was important so just trust me, ok. I have to go.” Cemented to the ground I watch as Darcey walks away, before turning the corner she turns on her heels and says. “I’m sorry, Sienna.”

For? 

I want to run after her and ask her for more details. Why? That’s all I can think right now. Why now? Why would Darcey want me to? Why did she break up with Brent? Why is Joseph talking to Darcey? 

Why? 

Why?

Why?

“Sienna?” Brody’s hand on my shoulder makes me jolt in place, still taken aback I turn in the direction of my friends, they’re all equally confused, staring back at me wide-eyed and waiting for me to spill to them what had just happened. 

I don’t have an answer to what that was- I have a question- How is there always another curveball in my life. How?

“What the hell was the about?” Jocelyn asks. 

“Honestly, I have no idea.” That’s the half-truth and the push I need to tell them over lunch about Joseph calling. The great thing about having the friends I have is despite what I think about sharing they always put to rest my self-doubt as they never fall short when it comes to listening.

….

Waiting for my classmates to flood out of the doors, I take my time in packing up my bag and making my way down the stairs to the exit. The door creaks open, lazily lifting my head up while continuing down the stairs, expecting to see one of my classmates walking back in. 

Raising his head, he takes off his baseball cap, locking eyes with his, I take in I steady breath. My bag slumps off my shoulder, while my body tenses at the sight of Joseph. 

“Hey.” He says quietly. 

I open my mouth to say ‘hi’ back but nothing comes out. My focus darts to the door, where I can see the next group of students filling up the narrow corridor.
 
Pointing over his shoulder, he says. “No one saw me come in.” 

I take another step, I look down, counting how many are left before I can make an exit for the door.

“I just want to talk, Sienna.” 

Shaking my head in response, still unable to talk. 

Five. Five steps. Not far at all.

Can a heart momentarily stop beating due to shock? If so, I’m pretty sure mine has. Where my heart stays still, is an ache, that’s now pulsing through my body. 
Joseph takes a step up. My hands shoot up, “Don’t.” 

Joseph steps back down. "We can go somewhere more private?” His mouth twitches, settling from a straight line to a frown. “I don't want to hurt you, Sienna. Or cause any problems but I won’t be leaving until you agree to talk to me.” 

My revived pulse quickens when the clock chimes, the class will be walking in any minute. “Fine.” I blurt out. I can’t be seen with Joseph; it’ll only drag more of the past up and I’m already struggling with the lingering gossip. No more, I do not need anything else being said about me. 

Making my way down the final steps, I stop in front of where he’s standing. “I’ll text you where and when.” 

The next few minutes are a blur, whether that be the tears sitting, waiting to be released on my waterline or from the brain fog I have. Nonetheless, I’m happy to have made it to the bathroom stall without anyone seeing me. Now I can have a moment in solitude to let my emotions, take centre stage. My hands shakingly reach into the front pocket of my bag for my phone. I open up Joseph's contact to write out a text message, a pang of uneasiness hits me. 

Reading an already received text from Joseph. Happy birthday. You deserve the world. 

He was the one that sent me the birthday text, not Cole, not a distant relative. Him. 

He’s right, we do need to talk. 

Me: Blossoms in an hour. 

Blossom’s is a café closer to where I live, which means the likelihood of seeing someone we know is slim. 
Within a minute, Joesph replies that he’ll be there. 

When I confessed at lunch that Joseph had reached out, expectedly I received mixed emotions.

Brody stayed tight-lipped, only once everyone else had reacted, he had asked if I was ok.

Eden and Clara made a confession of their own, telling us that they had heard he was back, visiting friends but no one had seen him. I was relieved to know that he hadn't been to campus, stupidly I had assumed it meant I wouldn't see him. Clara had said that her boyfriend, Tom that played soccer with Joseph hadn't seen him even at any of the parties where the whole team had been invited. He wasn't close with Joseph; Tom is a senior so his relationship with him was solely on the field. We’d come to the conclusion that Joseph was meeting up with his closest friends and probably staying with Brent that lives off campus.

Jocelyn said what I'm pretty sure everyone else was thinking which was why the hell I didn't tell them sooner.

I never have an answer to why I don't tell them-someone-anyone sooner. That's a lie actually, I do know. I've convinced myself that I'm the problem if I share too much and lost all ability or awareness on where, when and what to confide with my friends.

Scanning the small café, I head toward the back, to a booth. I check my phone for the time, fifteen minutes until he’s here. I send Joseph a text to say where I’m seated. The sound of a ringtone chiming when I hit send, forces me to look up. 

Joseph slides into the booth, sitting opposite me, forcing a smile. “Hi-” He breathes out. “Thanks for meeting with me.” His chest rises heavy enough for me to notice through his thick coat. 

A waitress comes over, smiling brightly while she goes through the drink options. I’ve been here enough to know my order, sitting back in the booth, chewing the inside of my cheek, reminding myself over and over why I’m here.

Joseph fidgets, listening to the waitress but his eyes gravitate to me briefly then down at the menu then back up the waitress. Dark circles cast a shadow under his brown eyes. His light brown hair is longer than I’ve seen him grow it before. He peels off his coat, clearing his throat as he does so. He's wearing only a grey t-shirt underneath. Brushing his hand over his biceps, I can’t help but notice he has slimmed down. Now that I can properly take him in.

“Sienna...” I look up from his hands to meet his gaze. He continues to tap the table with his fingertips. “I need you to know something and I-I" His body tenses. Swallowing hard, he says. “Please don’t hate me.”