What could have been.

- Chapter 36 -

Two days have passed. Two days of blunt replies. Two days of excuses not to see me. Two days with no distraction. 
 
Me being me, you would think my mind would automatically take me to the thought that Cole regrets having spent the night with me. But I know he doesn't. To my surprise, I’ve squashed that thought as quickly as it has popped into my head.

For everyone who knows me well enough would probably argue that I am the worst person to leave guessing because my mind takes me down a bumpy road and the end stop is total despair.

I can’t argue that I know him very well. I do believe that something must be going on with him and I can understand that he might not be prepared to talk to me about it. I mean I’m doing the exact same thing. I'm not prepared to tell him a lot of things even now that it’s all resurfacing.

I can't be both a procrastinator and a hypocrite. 

Last night I confided in Jocelyn and Eden on what I should do. How do I approach any situation when it’s clear the other person is pulling back. Especially, not knowing what the cause of his sudden detachment is. I’m trying so hard not to read into it too much, always easier said than done. 

Don't get me wrong, my mind does sometimes remind me that we barely know each other or we don't have any loyalties to each other so it wouldn't be completely unreasonable to think he might have lost interest. It would hurt me if that were the case but it’s always better to know for sure than be left guessing.

Still, Cole was fine when we first woke up, he was groggy but he was happy to be waking up next to me. 

Trusting someone usually takes time but I kind of do trust him. Perhaps, it's silly of me to admit so soon and so easily but it's the truth. Trust is more than an action to me, it's a feeling you have when I’m around certain people. A sense of relief or how I best describe the feeling when I'm with him which is I feel a sense of calm.

Jocelyn and Liam have invited me to join them in going to a gig tonight. I know Jocelyn’s invite comes with the hope that Cole will be there and that I can- that is if I get the sudden balls to do so- confront him.  

Hesitantly, I agreed to go. What have I got to lose right?

If he shows up, I’ll be able to talk to him and figure out what's going on and if he doesn’t show I get to spend a night listening to music and being the third wheel to my best friend and her boyfriend.  

And I need to take my mind off the thought of possibly seeing Joseph in less than a week. I’m still unsure on whether to meet up with him. Currently, I’m swaying more towards not meeting with him but a small part of me keeps me tipping in the direction of just seeing him this once. To allow him to say what it is he so desperately needs to say to me and be done with it.  

Joseph and I ended suddenly. In all fairness, I can't say we ended in a way that provided us with a lot of closure. We wanted different things and neither of us were prepared to back down and compromise. Having closure could be why he has decided to reach out. 

Truthfully, he was a good first serious boyfriend. I remember the evening of our first date, Joseph arrived to pick me up at my dorm with a bouquet of white roses and dressed in his best suit. We were only going out for dinner at a small Thai restaurant. Nothing fancy but he insisted on dressing up to prove he wasn’t, according to him ‘a stupid jock that spilt beer down me to get my attention.’ 

Maybe, I owe him this. At least one meet up. It’s harmless. There are no romantic feelings, well certainly not on my part. I do have some sort of respect for him or maybe it’s more so I appreciate the time we spent together. That is the none alcohol involved times where I wasn't blackout drunk at a frat house party.