What could have been.

- Chapter 38 -

A week. 

Seven whole days of no replies, therefore, seven days of being stranded on where the hell Cole and I stand. 

I don't blame him for not responding to my messages asking to talk. Cole’s reasoning for wanting to potentially distance himself or even end things with me is justified considering what he knows. Yet, I feel somewhat disappointed that he wouldn’t let me explain what was going on. I’m not angry at myself or at him. And, now I've been left to figure out where we stand on my own, which I do not believe to be the wisest of choices because right now, my thought process has come to the conclusion that our relationship is finished. 
For an over thinker, you'd think that in my various scenarios, they'd be a positive one where we work things out.

Nope.

None. 

All bad.

For that reason, I've spent the last week mourning what could have been between Cole and me. Maybe if I'd been honest from the beginning and by some miracle it didn't scare him, maybe just maybe we could have worked out. Or, maybe if he wasn't such a stubborn arsehole that runs away all the bloody time, maybe if he’d heard me out then maybe we could have worked out. 

Who knows.

Not me. 

Currently, I feel like I’m in a weird in-between- a grey zone- it's sort of underwhelming.

I spent a few days held up in my room. Stupidly only moving when my phone buzzed from a notification with the hope that it was an apology or even an angry text from Cole, something is always better than nothing.

Luckily for me, it’s that time of year when assignments have been handed out and the majority of my college education is dependent on me completing those said assignments. All the core lessons have been carried out so now it’s more so discussion on the topics that need to be discussed which I already know. So, missing a few lectures haven’t had a huge impact on me.  
Brody being my attendance warden amongst other things has dragged me over to his place to work on an assignment together this evening. I bailed on him due to the excuse of not wanting to get dressed or make an effort to look presentable earlier in the week, which he excused because understandable he didn’t want to be seen with me in my pyjamas around campus. 

But I couldn’t find a good enough excuse to get out of having takeout at his. Therefore, here I am, stretched out on his sofa in my pyjamas with a messy bun and food stains from the curry we just ate down my floral trousers.  

I’ve been at Brody’s apartment for roughly four hours and technically- if I’m being generous to myself- I’ve been productive for maybe twenty minutes of those four hours.  

I’m restless and unmotivated.  

Not the greatest combination when on a study date but I know with Brody he’ll take me for what I am and right now that’s a complete slob and very annoyingly inquisitive. I’ve asked Brody an endless number of ridiculous questions, such as “Would you rather only drink the same thing for the rest of your life or eat the same thing.” We both agreed, best to only have a choice of one thing to drink for the rest of our lives rather than eating the same thing over and over.

My next question has taken a deeper tone, unintentionally. "If you could only feel one emotion for the rest of your life, what would it be?" 

Closing the textbook on the coffee table, Brody directs his body toward me. "I don't know to be honest." 

"Happy? sad? Confused." I let out a little laugh to myself that Brody mirrors. "Imagine being confused all the time. That'll be no fun to be around." 

"I still don't know." He shrugs. 

"C'mon you wouldn't want to be happy?" 

"Depends."

"On?"

"If it's a result of someone else."

"What do you mean?" 

"If someone else is the route of your happiness, it's deathly. To have something you control disappear can easily be retrieved, but, if you lose something that you have no control over will leave an emptiness in you that can never be filled. If they become everything, if they leave, you'll have nothing." 

"I guess." I sit up. I guess Brody has a point, not the answer I was expecting from him but in a way, happiness can walk a fine line toward destruction and heartbreak if your happiness is the root of someone else. 

Looking down at his hands, Brody continues. "The scariest emotion to feel is happiness, for how easy it can be taken away without any warning." His eyes gravitate up toward me briefly, then back down at his hands. 

"In a way, yes. That shouldn't stop you though, don't you want to risk that for someone?" I reply.

"Not when you're left feeling as though there is a missing piece when they're gone." 

"Jesus Christ, Brody. Who broke your heart? Do I need to get Jocelyn on her?" In an attempt to lighten the mood as well as ask an indirect question as to whether Brody is also dealing with heartbreak, I shuffle down on the floor to sit beside him. “Brody? Do you want to talk about it?” 

Forcing a smile, he looks up at me, in a quiet voice he says. “No, It’s just a thought, nothing more.” 

Raising a brow, I ask if he's sure that his ok. Saying nothing more, Brody nods his head, then asks if I’m excited about our summer trip together in what I know is an attempt to move on from the conversation. I won’t push it, if he's not ready to talk about whatever it is that's going on, I’ll respect that. 

Both of us luckily have been accepted on the summer programme in Europe. I’m so excited to spend time with Brody and finally see him out of his natural habitat. It’ll be good for the both of us to get away for a little while and there is no one else I’d want to travel with, especially since he can speak one of the languages, that gives me a sense of security if we ever got lost from the rest of the group. With my poor directional skills, it’s likely to happen.

Sat in the Uber on the way home from Brody’s, his view on happiness weighs heavily on my mind. Cole became a part of my happiness, he became a reason why I was happy so it makes sense that even though we were together for a short period of time, I feel a little lost not having him in any form be a part of my day. 

I miss him. 

A stubborn part of me for some reason doesn’t want to admit it but I do, miss him, a lot.

Stuck in traffic, with Adele, someone like you playing on the radio, I type out a text to send to Cole. In a final attempt to restore what we had. It takes a few minutes to figure out what I want to say without writing a long paragraph. 

Me: I’m sorry. I understand why you’re upset. I just need you to know that my intentions to see Joseph had nothing to do with getting back together, they had to do with something that happened to me last year. I’m not comfortable explaining what it is over text but it’s not what you think.

I press send. Butterflies swarm my stomach whereas my fingers type out another text and then hit send.

Me: I miss you.

My previous messages were a mixture of pleads to text or call me back and apologies. I stay staring down at my phone, becoming more and more overwhelmed by my message. It's too much. He hasn’t read any of the previous ones so I have no hope he’ll read this - 

A blue tick. 

He has read my message.

He’s online. 

He’s typing. 

And now he's gone. 

With no reply. 

Arsehole. 

You know what, I’m done waiting, I need him to know I’m not a bad person and the situation he has brewing in his head of what happened between us is false. I will not have him remember me as the girl that went back or was seeing her ex while with him. If we’re going to end this, it will because after hearing the truth he decides he doesn’t want to be with me.

It’ll hurt regardless but it will be an honest breakup, no assumptions, no miscommunication.

Scrolling up to find the message from Jocelyn with Cole’s address, I give the driver my new destination. 

Screw it, it’s over when I’ve said everything I need to say. 

The rage that’s driven me to confront Cole is slowly fizzling out into nerves. Nerves I don’t think will give me the confidence in continuing to stand tall in what I need to say but it’s too late to turn back. I’ve already knocked on the door and I can hear footsteps closing in on the other side. 

The door opens, Jonah standing wearing nothing but black jeans, stares what feels like straight through me. All I can say is an almost silent hi as he scrunches his nose at the sight of me. 

I want to believe it's either out of shock to see me here or he's trying to figure out who I am. I really hope it’s not out of disgust at the sight of me. 

Or, the fact I’m in my pyjamas. I completely forgot that I’m not in normal clothing. My long coat hides most of my attire. Only my trousers are exposed from half way down my calf.

“Is Cole here?” I say through a gulp. He nods and walks away from the door, leaving it wide open. 

What do I do? Is he going to get Cole? Does he want me to wait inside or here? 

Why don't these men talk for goodness sake? 

I've opted to stay waiting in the hallway by the front door. I don’t want to see or hear if Cole tells Jonah he doesn’t want to see me. I can hear a door opening, peering in slightly, I quickly take in what I can see from the hallway.

The communal space is a similar size to our apartment. It’s not opened plan like ours, so all I can see are two dark blue sofas and a television, a drum set and a whole load of mess. Perhaps, their kitchen is in a separate room. 

The moment I hear footsteps coming down the hall, I give myself a quick mental pep talk and try to straighten my posture to look kind of confident. I guess I have to fake it for now. 

Cole turns the corner; my body naturally relaxes when I see him but I have to remind myself that it’s him I need to look confident for so I quickly straighten up again.