I'm sorry

chp 6

tw warning ! : verbal abu$e

backstory of ash , continuous
time : a year ago

" you look like a mess.. " my sister , carol eyed me up and down and remarked .

I lift up my head to look at her , same as always , carol .

Wearing another checkered marked velvet dress , along with a dark brown belt on her waist . Also , a butterfly pendant enveloped her neck - the one that mother had given her . Along side with her long black hair tied up in a messy bun .

" the usual . " I replied back to her and looked down again .

" you need to stop wearing those kind of outfits and wear something more ... " She waved her hands around the air trying to find a word she needed .

" ladylike . "

" I'm good . " I told her and placed my bag along side the door .

" the reason why your always being bullied is because of your clothing ash ! " she said while shaking her head .

looking at her was just like looking at younger version of mother , I hated it .

Carol is only 13 right now while I was her older sibling by 2 years . But her mind works the same way mother does , what they said , ah , " ladylike " .

I walked away from her and went to my bedroom and slammed shut the door .

I wanted to be alone .

I was always bullied school , but today was just , one of the worst but I felt relieved after the cutt!Ng it was rather soothing of course .

Thinking about how if I fell off the top of the rooftop while placing earplugs into my ears made me happy , falling and listening to music , what a beautiful way to slowly die .

I paced over the table and found my headphones .

plugged it into my phone and placed it in my ear , lying in my bed , the blue tooth sounded .

" playing Nobody by Mitski "

" nobody , oh nobody , nobody .. " the rhythm repeated continuously , making me soon tear up and I started to laugh .

my heart was engulfed by a numbing emotion just eating my heart out as I thought of everything that happen .

I chewed on my lower lip and curled up into a ball , isolating myself from others was already painful enough for me .

tears welled up .

drip .

drip .

drip.

splattering on different surfaces on my nose , I felt hopeless once again , I had this sense of powerlessness that I just can't shake off , no matter what .

in school . at home . outside .the streets .

anywhere . literally

" nobody . " the last word sounded .

I took my pillow and screamed , a muffled scream could be heard , but no one would know how much pain the scream actually meant , how much I just needed that one person , to just help me .

I started to crawl up on my bed to a kneeling position to only see a few newly seeped razors on the tables .

my eyes suddenly lit up , and a sense of achievement came and maybe I wouldn't be that much of a pain in the ass to other people anymore .