I'm sorry

chp 10

" I'm home .. " I opened the entrance to the front door to see mother sitting on the couch .

just reading the daily newspaper again .

" ash , how's your day at school . " she asked , putting down the newspaper .

" it's okay .. " I slowly took off my shoes and put it at the side , seeing a brand new set of high heels at the side , red velvet in colour .

must be mother's one .

" you saw it ? " she turned to face my direction.

" huh ? " I stared at confusion .

" the high heels , " she pointed it .

" what about it . " I stood up straight .

" I bought it for you , it's for the upcoming school party your having next week . " she smiled pleasantly .

" mum , we've talked about this . " I solemnly replied , looking away .

" just this once , you always wear all those ... clothes ! they're all so boylish , please just wear something nice this once . " she looked at me pouting .

wtf , she looked hideous pouting .

I rolled my eyes .

" no . " I replied back to her .

I saw the disappointment in her eyes but avoided eye contact with her and tried to walk to my room .

" ever since dad and your sister left , you've always been doing things you want and not listening to me ? What do you exactly want ? " she suddenly remarked .

Anger sparked in me , " what do I want ? " I turned around in anger .

" WHAT DO YOU FUCKING MEAN ? " I screamed .

" WHAT DO YOU MEAN - AFTER THEY LEFT IVE NOT BEEN LISTENING ? " I screamed again .

I have never screamed this loud at mother before , it must have been what happen earlier .

" stop shouting ... I'm sorry .. " I saw her tearing up .

I was confused and mad .

" I'm going to my room .. " I ran to me room .

what the fuck .

why did I even scream .

I pushed up my hair up as I slipped down onto the floor .

" what did you do to me Jen .. " I looked up to the wall and put my hand up .

actually .. it felt good to scream at mother after this many years .

but I still can't shake the thought of her tearing up , it really made me guilty .

should I apologise ? I'm always in the wrong .

I was in confusion as I tried to rethink my actions , I sighed .

I picked myself up and sat on my bed , " ding ! " I suddenly heard my phone buzzed .

Jen ! I thought , my eyes sparked and I scrambled to grab my phone .

I on my phone and tap on the screen , turning white I looked at the message hard .

eh ?

who's this unknown person ?

I tapped on the message rather confused .

"hey ash , it's xenette . You gave me your number remember , now we can chat online :) " the message said .

" oh , it isn't Jen " I muttered under my breath .

I felt a little disappointed but quickly dismissed it .

" guess I have another friend to talk to now . " I raised my shoulders .

" hey Xennete " , I replied back .

typing ... could be seen under Xenettes contact name .

" you coming to the school upcoming party ? " the message said .

" I don't know .. maybe not .. " I replied back in text .

" oh c'mon ! I'm sure it would be fun , want to tag along with me ? we can go as friends ! " the notification dinged again .

" I'll think about it .. " I slowly typed .

" that's settled then :) , I can't wait to see you soon , it was fun today " Xennete texted back .

" yeah it was , thanks for accompanying me " I replied back , a small smile appeared .

" of course , np , tell me if you need anything " the text appeared again .

" at least I matter to them for now .. " I slowly saw the message popped up , I placed my phone down and suddenly tears dropped .

how long would it be before I disappoint them too ? I thought .

" Xennete deserves better , not someone like me " I announced as I like it was a big speech to my bed .

I suddenly thought of mother again , should I ...

fuck it .

I walked out of my room , closing the door behind .

I cleared my throat and looked at mother , " sorry for just now . "

she looked up in surprise , " it's okay . " she said wiping her face .

she came towards me and cupped my face , i trembled as I remembered all the other times she did it .

" I'm sorry .. for everything .. I realised how much of toxicity I had towards you , I'm not a good mother .. I promise I will change in the future .. please forgive me . " she sputtered out .

I stared at quietly in extreme surprise .

mother had never apologised before ..

I suddenly started to wail , and tears dropped down one by one and I fell to the floor .

" you finally understood ? " I said between tears .

Mother dropped down to my level too and I could see her crying , " I'm sorry , I'm so sorry. "

she put her arms around me and hugged me , I wailed louder and I hugged back .

" mum is really sorry. really " she hugged me tighter .

" do you know how much I suffered ." I stared hard at her and said .

" I'm sorry , I really don't know ..." shaking her head.

" you still don't understand ." I looked away .

" I'm .. I don't know ..was it really painful ?" she asked me like I just only gotten a small wound.

I wiped my tears and pushed her away . " it's fine , I want to go to my room now ."

" go ahead .. " I heard her reply as she smiled sadly at me .

I faced to her and nodded and went back to my room .

what just happen .

I fell and lay on my bed .

" damm .. " I pushed up my hair and squeezed my head .

" do I not have to deal with her anymore ? " I muttered .

I don't know how to feel about this , I never thought the day would come when mother would apologise , I still thought if dad and sister was here , would it even happen ?

I don't know whether I deserved the apology but one thing I know is that I felt uncertain and uncomfortable too after what she has done .

I understand the fact that she had change but it was too sudden for me and I need to get used to not living in such a toxic household anymore .

life's unpredictable I guess .

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word count : 993
( mother apologising )
chapter 10
song recommendation : devil town - Cavetown
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thank you everyone who read my series :) , we've reached a 100 views , I'm really happy haha