i think i killed my friend

25 june 2018

two weeks have passed since i have returned from the hospital. once in a while some officers visit me and ask me questions. questions like how am i feeling or if i have any recollection of the road trip. but i have been giving the same answers. I'm feeling okay and no, i still don't remember.

they always walked out disappointed and i feel like it's my fault. i would watch them leave and have the urge to rush out to them. should i tell them i think i did it? if not why would the car crash? margo rose doesn't have a driving license. but what if it's like what they said and it isn't me? will i go to jail for nothing?

these past two weeks have been weird too. socilly weird. i have been receiving calls from names i don't recognised. they would ask me how am i. they would tell me not to be too sad. they would tell me margo rose wouldn't blame me. they would tell me they can't wait to see me again in school. jennifer says that they are my schoolmates. my friends. my teachers. 

but did words spread this fast? the whole school community knows about  the car crash already? about margo rose's death? did every single one of them attend margo rose's funeral? was i the only one absent? i know nothing of them and it feels like they know everything about me and that is unfair and scary. the only thing i know of them is their names saved on my phone and their voice. who the heck is "monkey"? why did i save someone as "monkey"? that's... rude?

i have kept myself busy for the past two weeks to avoiding feeling things. i have been looking through photo albums, text messages and notes on my phone. my fingers are sore from scrolling up and down constantly. and ninety percent of them are all margo rose. i think jennifer is starting to catch on that i might not remember more than what she expected. and the worst thing is nothing is coming back. but i think i have found out more about myself. i like the colour black. i think i might have been a emo kid. i like edm and rap music. i game and love violent games. i might not remember anyone else but i am starting to find out myself and everything seems slightly less scary now.

jennifer walks into my dark room while i was doing my usual scrolling and figuring. she says school starts next week. seniors of my schools are to go back early for enrichment classes to prepare us for college or the world or whatsnot. 

guess it's time to find out who "monkey" is.