My Improbable Theories On Her.

19. *message deleted*

6th February, 2016.

I entered my room and closed the door rather quitely.
Oh my god.
I just-
I just did that.
I can't-I still can't believe it.
I don't think so I will ever be able to recover from the fact that what I just did.
Leave that, I won't be ever able to recover from what Papa just said.
I was expecting a lot of things, maybe even this, but at the same time not expecting it.

Everyone knows what to feel and how to react while in the process of wanting something or achieving a goal.
But what do you do; how do you react when you finally get it?

Some might scream or cry from happiness, some might even sit down quitely and smile a victory smile.
I didn't knew what to do.

Why is it that I never know what to do or how to react?
Even when all the people react some way or the other in a particular situation or even I am expected to behave in a particular situation, I still have no idea how to react.
And at that times, I simply shut myself off in my room.
Just like now.

I don't know how many eternities later I realised that I was just standing and staring at the switchboard on a wall.
I shook out of my stance and quitely placed myself on my bed, hugged my knees fiercely and rocked myslef ever so slowly.

My heartbeats weren't fast. No.
They were normal. Nor was I sweating profusely.
I was just...there.
And yet I wasn't.

I expected my body to tense up really quick, but just like me myself, my body takes me aback at times too.
Maybe because when my body gets all anxious and tensed up, it somehow knows that either I am in grave danger or it is another kind of extreme emotion.
But right now, my mind was blank and had no idea what to do next, and so my body was reactless.

I knew what had happened.
Of course I knew.
But I guess I hadn't really let it come to me, completely and wholly.
I still hadn't let the whole truth and realisation come to me and strike me like sudden, unexpected things does to me usually.
And I was scared.
So damn scared to letting the realisation come to me completely.
Because I fear I will go insane.
Not just my body, but my mind too, will racked up so much that even think I about that makes my head go nuts.

What was I thinking?
What are these...these...
But that's the point, what are 'these'?
What is anything?
What is going on?

I want to scream my lungs out.
No, wait.
I just want the usual anxiety and tenseness to come to me and I want to behave how I usually react; all worried and pacing around the room and-

There was a sudden knock on my bedroom door.
I got up and opened it only halfway.
My eyes met the excited yet tense ones of Yash.

"Ajey-"
He paused.
"Ajey, what...how...", he trailed while his arms flailed around helplessly.
I just looked at him expressionlessly.
"Can-can we talk? Do you need someone to talk to? Can I come inside?", he asked with incredible stutter.
Hmm.
So not only me, but no one knew how to react.

"Umm, I don't think so.", I answered firmly.
He looked at me for some seconds, shook his head, muttered something nonchalant as 'classic Ajey' and said, "Kuchh...kuchh ho toh bata dena. Okay?"

I nodded my head and closed shut the door.
He understood.
Someone other might think that he is not being there for me when I need him.
But at the end of the day, he is my brother, he knows me more than anyone else, and so, he helped me by letting me stay away.

I don't know what got into me, but I fished my phone from my track pants, opened our Hangouts chat and without thinking twice, clicked on the 'call' symbol on the top right corner.
I placed it on my ear, realised that it is on speaker by default, took it away from my ear and waited for her to pick up.
Just as I had expected, she did not pick up.