Koda.

I feel as if my whole world has come tumbling down around me. I am trapped in a glass box as I watch every part of my life, my entire being smash and shatter into millions of little dissolving pieces... Everything I ever was, I ever knew gone.

I don't even know who I am anymore, what I am anymore.

what is this life?

The abuse, the trauma, the turmoil I have experienced here has left me feeling numb, disconnected.
I am in a world I don't recognise. I feel so much pain that I feel nothing. Is that even possible? To feel so much, yet feel nothing at all?

am I real?

is this what purgatory feels like? constant sickening pain, fear, loneliness...

why?

why me?

why am I being punished?

what have I done so wrong in this world to deserve this?

I am no longer able to comprehend anymore, I am a mere shell of a man I once used to be. a broken, beaten down carbon copy of myself I will never ever recognise.

Am I sick?
Mentally ill?

Weakness overcomes me at my every breath, my mind screams fight, but my body tells me to surrender, to succumb, to submit myself. Survive.

Living in a constant battle with my mind and body, while fighting the demented adults around me who keep telling me they want to help, they are here for me.

They certainly do not want to help me.

They are certainly not here for me, well maybe they are. They are here to make me this docile toy for their own gain.

Will I ever be the man I once was?

I'm starting to forget who that man ever was.

This is my life now, this is what I am living through.

Do I keep pinching myself? Praying I wake up from this never ending nightmare.

This doesn't happen to people. you don't one day wake up and find yourself kidnapped, abducted off of the street, bought like your  life means little to nothing. This does not happen to people. This isn't normal. This isn't right. all of this is so very wrong.

Yet, every single one I meet treats me like the alien, treats me like the one who is acting irrationally. I am the one who is not normal, not right in the head.

I am the one who is rational!

I feel as if I am on a totally different planet where it is ok, it is perfectly normal for human beings to do this to each other. To treat each other in such ways.

I keep thinking, maybe I hit the drugs too hard and my mind and soul fell into an alternate universe where this stuff happens. This is how they live.

Am I irrational?

I think I'm going insane. my own mind is betraying me.

I know it is going to let me down. It  will soon submit to this life like my body is doing, then what?

Will I be happy like this?

I don't know who I am anymore.

The fear of my own mind, body and soul betraying me, consumes me with complete and utter terror I have never once in my life felt.

It feels as if I am dying. the man I was is dying. My life has flashed before my eyes and now I'm a  dead man being reborn into this chaos of a life I would never wish on the worst of people.
I sit here in this prison and grieve the man I used to be. I didn't have much but the clothes on my back. But everything I had was mine. The choices I made, I could make freely.
I sit up a little, the bars of the crib beginning to hurt my back from leaning on them for so long. I grab one of the pillows and shove it behind me, between the bars and my back to cushion the rigid wooden slats which keep me trapped.
I have no idea what time it is, I haven't known the time since this Pennington guy took me from the hospital, I think he told me his name or I over heard it. Adrain.
Everything feels so fuzzy when I try and think about things. I know I haven't been here very long but everything's been so intense. The beatings. The way this man runs hot and cold. He scares me.
One minute he is happy and calm but it's like I blink and the very act of blinking makes him furious.
I don't know what to do to avoid his angry outbursts, or his intense punishments.