The Blue Orchid Years

Chapter 31: Confrontation

After warming up the microwavable pancakes and sausages Rain left us in the freezer for brunch, Moira helped me come up with a reply to my brother's email. It was a difficult task, coming up with just the right words, since I wanted him to know I care but at the same time I was afraid of coming across as preachy. I mulled over my sentences, trying to imagine how I would respond to them if I were him. In the end I took Moira's suggestion to write from the heart and not worry about how my email would be perceived because, as she said, "it's the thought that counts."

Dearest Johan,

What happened to Sherlyn was tragic, but you have to remember that we couldn't always predict somebody else's reaction to bad news. You couldn't have foreseen that she would go as far as killing herself, so please don't feel as if you were a murderer. You might roll your eyes at me because I used to be exactly in your position, ceaselessly blaming myself for a death I had no control over, but precisely because I've been there I can tell you that it's an unhealthy place to be. Grief has a wicked way of eating us alive but we can choose not to be eaten. Also, I get that you feel like isolating yourself, but I beg you not to push Kenta away as you guilt-trip yourself. His unconditional love for you is genuine and he's not gonna abandon you even if you ask him to, especially not when there's a cold-blooded woman who believes in "an eye for an eye".

Speaking of, please promise me you're not going to deliberately seek Linda out. She doesn't want reconciliation and she doesn't want to reconnect. She's merciless and wouldn't be satisfied until she makes you pay for what in her mind is an unforgiveable crime. You might be inclined to think that you have to die because her sister did, but that's not going to solve anything. Linda probably has problems coping with reality and she's using you so that she doesn't have to accept that perhaps Sherlyn already thought about leaving this world long before you broke things off. Isn't it possible that Linda silently feels guilty about being helpless in preventing Sherlyn's death and, in an unsuccessful attempt to lessen her pain, she makes you a scapegoat instead of seeking help? I can understand why you're incapable of hating her, but that doesn't mean you need to be hating yourself as a result. Linda needs to learn to move on and you also deserve to do so.

Stay strong,

Nardho

"Did you mean it?" Moira pointed at the line about coping. "Is that your theory, honey, that the girl was disturbed and the break up was the last straw? Wouldn't that be even more upsetting?"

"What I meant was that we can't pinpoint a single cause for suicidal tendency," I replied as I logged off the email App. "You know how an avalanche is an accumulation of snowballs that get bigger and bigger? The underlying issues behind someone's impulse to end their life are complex," I took a deep breath. "For example, when I was caught in a downward spiral in college, it wasn't just about my mentor's passing. I dealt with other demons too, namely low self-esteem and homesickness. Who knows what could have troubled Sherlyn. I suspect, however, that all the pressure she kept to herself finally accumulated and she got desperate."

"I have no recollection of what you were like in college," Moira rubbed the back of my hand. "Is that a good thing or a bad thing? I also want to know if I were a good girlfriend to you."

"Moira, if your memories of our college years ever come back, I hope the ones about my struggle with depression never do," I smiled weakly. "I hope only the happy ones will come back. To answer your question, though, you were the best. You were an angel, still are."

"I'm glad you survived your darkest moments," she said softly. "Do you think Johan will recover just like you have? His email is worrisome. Does depression run in your family?"