The Blue Orchid Years

Chapter 1: You Are Responsible For What You Have Loved

Author's remark: I have decided that this book will switch back and forth between the present and the past. This means that after two parts of voice notes set in the present day there will be two parts of journal entries set in the past. So, in short, the book will alternate between the timelines every two chapters. To avoid being confused, look at the dates.

February 16th 2664

I know what you're thinking, dear listener. I know that you're bracing yourself for another hour of old Nardho being mopey and throwing himself a pity party. Well, I don't blame you for that but here's some good news—Kenta talked me into seeing a professional and at first I was not sure I wanted to but at this point I figured it couldn't hurt to have someone counseled me. Best case scenario, I would find a solution to rid myself of this feeling of helplessness. Worst case scenario, I would be paying hefty sum of money just to have someone prescribed me some Sertraline. To be clear, I'm not against anti-depressant but I believe the reasons I'm losing my willingness to get on with my life has nothing to do with chemical imbalance in my brain and everything to do with the fact that I can't fathom how I should spent the rest of my days with the knowledge that the woman I live with is no longer the same woman I vowed to protect.

I understand that when I married Moira I swore to be with her for better or for worse, but there has to be some exceptions, right? Is holy matrimony seriously binding me to what essentially is an oath to torment myself just for the sake of honoring that promise?

Don't give me that look. Yes, I hear myself loud and clear, I am being mean to my wife when she's not to be blamed for being sick. Yes, she does not consciously make herself sick. Yet her being sick has robbed the light from my eyes. Things I used to take pleasure in, I no longer find enjoyable. Playing guitar? Meh. Cooking Papua New Guinean feast? Meh. Watching birds? Meh. Photographing butterflies? You guess it—Meh. Nowadays all I do are meeting deadlines for my academic writings, doing household chores only when the plates and bowls start to pile up, and then reminding Moira to take her medications. I'm relegating myself to a predictable routine and I know I should have time for myself but I feel guilty each time I try to. As much as I resent being a caregiver, a part of me still acknowledges that I'm Moira's spouse and my love is supposed to be unconditional. Didn't we use to think that what we have could last forever?

So, back to Kenta and his power of persuasion. I was staring at the ceiling and not thinking of anything in particular, except maybe ruminating on Nardhia's lecture about people to whom I owed my life, when my phone rang. I ignored the call and yet it kept ringing incessantly, so I lazily put the speaker on and just closed my eyes while the caller's voice filled my music studio.

"You can disregard all I'm saying once I'm done saying it, but just know I'm doing this because I think you're worth being there for. Nardho, I'm serious when I said you need to learn about forgiveness. If you want, I can refer you to a friend of mine who specializes in hypnosis and dialectical behavior therapy. I'm not the best person to give you advice, but she's qualified to offer you insights. I promise she's not gonna be like Johan. By the way, what is it with you not liking Johan's bible talk? I thought you derive a sense of peace from the calming verses?"

I did not immediately answer and frankly I had hoped Kenta would leave me alone, but then I heard him calling my name hesitantly and I gave up trying to dismiss him. "Alright, senpai, I hear you," I finally said. "Johan is annoying, okay? There's a fine line between lifting someone up and giving a sermon. It is alright to remind me that God is the source of all strength but it becomes aggravating when he keeps bringing up the story of Job and how suffering serves a purpose. That's unfair. I'm not Job and I don't think any ordinary human knows how to have Job's level of patience." On the other end of the phone, I could hear Kenta laughed.

"Sorry, Nardho, I didn't mean to laugh, but you are funny. Johan does not mean to compare you to Job, all he's saying is that perseverance pays in the end. Sure, right now it seems as if you get nothing out of taking care of Moira, but doesn't it make you feel good to know that at least she's safe with you in your own home rather than, say, being lonely in a group of people almost twice her age?" Kenta's laughter subsided and was instead replaced with a subtle tone of compassion.

"Yeah, I had thought about sending her to an assisted living community but somehow a part of me refuses to leave her to be somebody else's problem. Senpai, do you think I'm a hypocrite?"

"You, a hypocrite? No, Nardho, you're not. I think you're hurting and it is okay to feel hurt. Caregivers are allowed to be stressed and overwhelmed but when they are then that's when they should step out and assess whether they can carry the responsibility of their role."

I did not respond and Kenta was silent too for a minute or so before he randomly asked if I had ever read a freaking ancient French book called The Little Prince. I had no idea what a prince had to do with anything we were discussing, but I let him changed the subject because I knew talking with me could get pretty depressing really quickly. To my amazement, the book actually was a nice one. I should have known—Kenta's vast knowledge of literary tropes is splendid.

"So, what I'm saying is, in this situation you are the Little Prince and Moira is the Rose. Or rather, you are the Prince and your life is the Fox. Meanwhile, I am just the aviator who crash landed on my flight and happened to accompany you for a bit. Makes sense?" Kenta continued. I chuckled trying to imagine Kenta flying an airplane and falling somewhere on a deserted island.

"Eh, I guess, in a roundabout way. The time I've spent loving Moira is what makes her special, right? There are plenty of other roses in the garden but there's only one rose like Moira. As for my life, it is up to me to cherish it and tame my depression, is that what you're saying?"

"More or less. Also, I will leave you with a paraphrase of a quote from yet another ancient text, The Bluest Eye. Love is never better than the lover, Nardho. Timid people love timidly and cowardly people love in their cowardice. You, on the other hand, have loved selflessly. That's what I like about you but I think you can afford to be a little selfish and prioritize your health before you worry too much about Moira's health. So? Won't you get up from your couch and see a shrink?" Kenta sounded more like he was begging rather than inquiring for a short reply.

"I can do that, but who will take care of Moira when I'm seeing a psychologist and a psychiatrist? I could ask Izzy to stay while I'm having my appointment but I don't want to bother her more than I already did," I said undecidedly as I remembered how my sweet niece has always come over every other weekend. If it weren't for Izzy, I don't think I could still manage my duty as a music theorist. She watches over Moira while I proofread pages of my revisions.

"You forget that LJ and Naoko would always happily visit you and Moira!" Kenta said cheerfully. "LJ has been asking when Uncle Nardho would invite him over and I told him you probably are swamped with your musical research, but now that there's a valid reason for him to go see you I'm sure he's gonna be delighted. As for Naoko, she has been dying to show Moira her latest paintings. You know Naoko adores Moira."

I thanked Kenta for his children's hospitality and for his generosity in comforting me when I need a friend. As I ended our conversation, I wondered what my life would have been like if Moira and I had not remained childless. Well, too late to think about propagation now and frankly there's no need to lament what I don't have. I need to start appreciating what I have.

One step at a time. One day at a time. Tomorrow I will try to pull myself together, fingers crossed that the person Kenta recommends is actually competent enough to guide me out of my misery. I don't expect to be cured in just matter of hours. I am, however, willing to work my way to redemption. I want to redeem myself not in the sense that I seek to be spiritually saved—that is a discussion for another day—but in the sense that I want to be freed from disruptive thoughts.