The Blue Orchid Years

Chapter 42A: The Unholy Trinity of Sides (His, Hers, Ours) PART 1

"He looks so fragile, it breaks my heart into pieces."

Nardhia drove to the ER immediately after Kenta informed her of what happened. Taking Johan's limp hand into her own, she squeezed it gently and let out a muffled cry. Tony put a comforting hand on her shoulder. She looked up wordlessly at him with glassy eyes, sighing.

"My heart breaks too." I told my sister. "It's so unreal seeing Johan so frail like this."

"This brought back a scarring memory." Kenta said as he pulled his chair closer to Johan's bed. "It's not my first time seeing him with tubes protruding out of his mouth and into his throat, you know. No, this is my second time seeing gastric suction performed on him. I thought I would never have to watch him start over again from zero, but I guess sobriety isn't a linear path."

"I have no words to take your pain away," Moira chimed in. "But from what Nardho has recounted to me about Johan, your husband sounds like a perseverant man. He beat his addiction to alcohol in college, right? I believe if he can be sober again if he wants to."

"Arigatou, Moira-chan. It's just hard to see that he managed to stop getting addicted to alcohol only to breakdown and return to drinking the moment all the stress caught up to him."

Moira nodded politely, falling silent. Meanwhile, I noticed Johan's fingers moved slightly.

"He's waking up." I whispered to Kenta. "He'll probably be worried about you getting mad."

"I'm not mad. It's difficult staying mad at him because I know how much he suffers."

Johan slowly opened his eyes and let out a gasp before trying to sit up.

"H-Hikari?" he whimpered. "Where—"

"Hey, it's okay." Kenta pulled him into an embrace. "Let me hug you. You're okay."

"I passed out, didn't I? I failed you!" Johan whined. "I'm a pathetic spouse. I don't deserve you."

"Johannes Lewis Sitohang!" Kenta said sternly and cupped my brother's face. "We've been together for over thirty years now. You do deserve me. Otherwise, we wouldn't make it this far."

"He's right, you know." Tony interjected. "It's not your fault that life has been tough for you."

"Oh, Tony, you're just saying that to be nice!" Johan scoffed. "Don't sugarcoat it."

"He isn't!" Nardhia butted in. "We all know you didn't mean to make Kenta sad. We know."

"Still, I owe him an explanation." Johan bit his lips before grimacing. "Kenta, I'm so tired of my hallucinations. I have my prescriptions, yes, but they take time to work their magic. When I saw my dad, I freaked out. It's been getting increasingly hard for me to distinguish what is real and what is not, so much so to the extent that I'm developing a paranoia that everything I see is a figment of my imagination. Speaking of, may I touch you? You're real, right?"

"I am as real as can be!" Kenta forced a smile. "Here," he put Johan's hand on his chest. "Feel my heartbeat. I am real. No need to be afraid. Aishiteru."

"Watashi mo," Johan replied. "I had no idea why my first impulse was to go to a shrine but I guess it's because I'm not really on a speaking term with Mother Mary anymore."

"Huh?" Kenta raised his eyebrows. "I'm not sure I follow."

"Remember when I told you how although each person's relationship with God is personal it's still good to ask Mother Mary for extra help? She isn't a God but it's a common practice for a Catholic to ask Her to intercede and act as a sort of a go-between. Well, let me just say that lately I feel like She has stopped listening to me and refused to intervene."

"It must be tough, feeling like you've lost a patient listener." Kenta stroked Johan's hair affectionately. "Let me guess, you were trying to see if kami-sama would listen to you?"

"Yes. It does sound sacrilegious, but yes. Despair would do that to you, funnily enough."

"I'm super biased here, Johan, but if you ever want to be a polytheist that's fine with me." Kenta laughed. "So, how did it go? I mean, you still ended up cutting yourself and chugging booze."

"I felt so much guilt after trying to talk to kami-sama." Johan covered his face with his hands. "This is embarrassing to admit but it looks like I'm not above two-timing Mother Mary, Jesus, and the Lord. It's a sin, you know? A very serious one too. I'd be too embarrassed to confess to my pastor so yeah, I'll keep this just between us. Kenta, stop laughing!"

"Sorry, sorry!" Kenta grinned. "Dude, I thought of all the people here you'd be the least likely to care about sins. I mean, us being gay is supposedly a sin too, no? Yet we're still proudly gay."

"There are some sins I've accepted as inevitable, like being gay, because it's my identity." Johan said. "And then there are some sins I try to avoid like the plague. I want to lead a good life."

"I see. Sorry, I couldn't contain my laughter. I didn't mean to offend you."

"No offense taken." Johan raised a thumb up. "I'm glad I could trust you with my vulnerability."

"Of course." Kenta ruffled his hair again, much to Johan's protest. "Enough talking, though. I'm supposed to tell the nurses that you've woken up so that they can transfer you to the hospital."

"No!" Johan pulled on Kenta's shirt. "I don't want to be locked up in an asylum!"

Oh goodness gracious, he's not kidding about being paranoid.

"Hey, no one is locking you up, it's the 27th century, not the 13th century or whenever it was when people were barbaric to the mentally ill." I tried to reassure him. "Besides, you're not insane, Johan. You're simply a man who needs a lot of help overcoming his trauma."

"If you say so, Nardho." My brother relented. "I'm so sick of being schizophrenic."

"Don't blame yourself for your schizophrenia." I reached out to hold his hand. "Also, I need to let you in on something. You really saw dad. It wasn't a hallucinatory vision. He's still alive."

"Nani?!" Kenta put a hand to his mouth. "Nardho, this isn't the time for a joke."

"I'm not joking." I pulled my phone out of my pocket and scrolled down to the last message my mom sent me. "See for yourself, guys, mom admitted she has been feeding us lies."

"No way!" Nardhia snatched the phone from my hand. "Ah, shit, this is really mom's number."

"Wow." Johan exhaled. "Just wow. I'm speechless and my head hurts."

"It's true." Moira backed me up. "I heard the whole conversation. Your mom seems to disapprove of your dad trying to reconnect with everyone. Can't say I'm surprised, but it looks like she's hoping you guys would be siding with her. Are you, Johan? Nardhia?"

"I don't know." Nardhia shrugged. "If Johan wants to see dad then I support his wish."

"I told mom that's it's very wrong to be deceptive." I said. "We fought on the phone."

"Really? Momma's favorite boy finally had his very first fight with his mother?" Johan looked amused. "I'm just teasing, Dho. I'm actually touched by how much you've grown. I would expect you to defend mom but instead here you are, being furious at her because you love me."

"Your well-being matters to me." I hugged him and he hugged back. "If seeing dad will make you happy, then I swear I'll be fighting tooth and nail to make it happen."