lonely heart || cth [slowly written]

Chapter 16.

Still with my eyes closed I felt someone rubbing my knee. At first I was too sleepy to process what was happening, it took a few seconds for me to open my eyes. I saw someone kneeling next to me. I shuddered enough that I spilled the remnants of the alcohol left in the cup on my shirt. Finally I recognized the person who woke me up it was Ashton.

"God you scared the shit out of me" I sat down, throwing a plastic object on the ground, rubbing sleepy eyes.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to" he stood up, offering me his hand. I grabbed his hand as I got up from the sun lounger. The boy looked at my shirt, still holding my hand "Come on, I'll give you something to change" he started to head inside the house, leading me behind him.

"What time is it?" still sleepy I tried to keep up with him, not really knowing what was going on. The house was empty and I wondered where everyone had gone.

"A little after 2. You slept through the rest of the party" we entered the room. Ashton walked into the second room and I sat on the bed waiting for his return "I thought you left but I saw you sleeping outside" he added louder. I looked around the room trying to wake up. I still felt the effect of the alcohol I had drunk earlier.

Ashton came with a black hoodie in his hand, he came over to me, handing it to me.

"You can change here. I'll clean downstairs, leave your shirt somewhere. I'll wash it" I stood up, not caring about him presence I started to remove my shirt. Ashton stared at me for a moment but quickly looked away, looking in the opposite direction.

"Don't act like you've never seen a girl in a bra" I tossed my wet shirt onto his bed, taking the hoodie and putting it on.

"You are impossible" Ashton took my shirt and smiled at me.

***

"Do you saw my purse?" I asked looking around the living room which was quite a mess.

"No. Are you going somewhere?" he asked as he picked up more empty cups from the furniture in his living room. I was convinced I had left my purse on the couch but it wasn't there. I started to take the pillows off thinking maybe it stuck somewhere in between "Caitlin, can you please stop making more mess" I heard his voice again.

"Sorry.. I can't find that fucking purse" I was confused and still in a bad mood. I didn't expect such a little thing to make me feel so helpless. I wanted to cry, what Ashton must have noticed.

"I think I have something to help you chill out" he set aside the trash bag that he had been collecting rubbish in and headed upstairs.

***

"There's no option I'll smoke weed with you" I said as he showed me the marijuana roll. I was drunk but not drunk enough to do something like that.

"Relax. It will help you chill out" he took out the lighter, lighting the joint. He drag on the joint, holding the smoke in his lungs for a moment and then giving me the marijuana roll. I looked at him uncertainly, hesitated for a moment but finally took the joint from him. Without thinking any longer I did the same thing as he, feeling the smoke tickling my throat. I choked on, taking the joint away from my mouth.

"It wasn't that bad huh?" Ashton laughed.

We sat on the couch, burning up the leftover marijuana. After a dozen or so minutes, I finally began to feel its effect. I rested my head on Ashton's shoulder, enjoying the state into which this substance brought me. My muscles relaxed and my breathing became calm.

"You know you can tell me anything, right?" he took my hand, lacing our fingers together. At that moment I felt that this was my chance to get rid of my tormented thoughts.

"All the time I have the impression that I don't deserve happiness, as if I was born only to fail" I adjusted my head on his shoulder, inhaling his pleasant smell "I always tell myself that it's my alcoholic mother's fault but I think I'm just too afraid of the truth. Truth that may be more painful than I think "

"I know how it feels. My mother also isn't perfect.. but hey you don't need her. You're doing great on your own. Besides now you have us.. you have me" I smiled at the his words, lifting my head up. Our eyes met. His eyes seemd so familiar as if I had known them for many years. I felt so safe being with him. He move slightly and I looked away from his hazel eyes, moving my gaze to his lips. I started to bring my face closer to his, not worrying about anything else, but the ringing phone made us both move away from each other. He stood up, answering his phone and walking away from me.

I tried to collect my thoughts after what almost happened a moment ago. I pulled the hood over my head, pulling it over my face, frustrated at my moment of weakness. On the other hand, I was happy that this someone called and interrupted us, we were friends. I didn't want to change that. At first I promised myself not to start any romance at work and I was going to stick to that.I had to start controlling myself before something happens that I'll regret.

"Hungry?" I looked up at Ashton, who apparently had finished talking.

"Now that you mentioned it, yes" I decided to dismiss the memory of our would-be kiss.

"Come on then" he took my hand and led me to the kitchen.

I will surely remember that night for a long time.