lonely heart || cth [slowly written]

Chapter 10.

Three days later

It's been three days since the party at the boys' house in LA. Today I was going to see Calum for the first time.

During these 3 days I only thought about the situation on the terrace. I tried to forget about what happend which was difficult. We have been in San Francisco for 2 days because the next and last concert of the tour was about to take place here. Ruth and I came here a little earlier to go sightseeing. We always did this when we had a day off or when there was a few days' break between concerts.

My aunt must have noticed that something was wrong with me. I was still somewhere else with my thoughts, not paying attention to what was happening around me. Several times I caught Ruth staring at me, but I said nothing. If I asked why she was staring at me, she would also start asking questions and I wanted to avoid it. Even though I knew that hiding my emotions was not good, I kept doing it anyway. It was my defense mechanism it may not have been the best way but it was good enough for me.

On the morning of the concert Ruth decided to take me, according to her, to the one of the best coffee shops in San Francisco.

I was sitting at one of the tables in the cafe. Ruth went to order a coffee and I focused my attention on the rising sun which was throwing rays on the streets of the city that was coming to life.

When my aunt put a cup of coffee in front of me, I looked at her, taking my eyes off the view outside the window. Ruth sat across from me. I took the mug in my hands, savoring the scent of freshly brewed coffee.

"There's something I'd like to talk to you about" I looked into Ruth's eyes, wondering what might be going on. My aunt took a deep breath, avoiding my gaze for a moment.

"Grandma called yesterday.." she stopped, lowering her head "your father called her"

At first I thought I misheard and stared at Ruth in disbelief.

"What?" I asked shocked "why did he call her?"

"Apparently he was asking for you" she said uncertainly.

"Now? After almost 19 years of my life.. he remembered me?" I felt anger rising inside me. I had the feeling that I was about to explode.

"Maybe he wants to.." she began but I cut her off.

"Don't even finish it" I said in warning as I got up from my chair. I gathered my things and started to leave. I didn't care what Ruth will do. I couldn't just sit there after the message like that. I hated my father probably more than my mother. I couldn't forgive him for leaving me with her. He was the one who condemned me to her.

I was walking fast trying to release some flustration, but it wasn't helping. I heard someone running after me and after a while my aunt caught up with me, putting her hand on my shoulder.

"Wait" she choked out. I stopped reluctantly at my aunt's order "try to calm down a little" she added but looking at her face I could tell that she immediately regretted these words. I crossed my arms over my chest watching the cars passing by.

"I'm not surprised you reacted like that.." she wanted to keep talking but I cut her off again.

"Can we just go back to the hotel? I don't feel like talking" I said moving my gaze from the street to Ruth.

My aunt just nodded rubbing her hand over my back. Everything was going so well, maybe it wasn't perfect, but for me these last months were wonderful considering to what my life looked like before and now I had the impression that my life was getting complicated again.

***

For the rest of the day I only thought about my father. It wasn't a good idea because my anger instead of getting smaller, grew more and more. I forgot about the situation with Calum. I only remembered it when I saw him but now I didn't care as much as before. I was too caught up in anger to think about anything else.

I tried to avoid people before the concert. I didn't feel like talking to anyone. I noticed Paul walking towards me.

"Hey listen, I wanted to .."

"It's okay" I interrupted him. I knew he would apologize for leaving the party without me. Earlier I admit I wanted to say a few words to him but I didn't care anymore.

"You don't even know what I wanted to tell you" he said.

"I know, believe me" I looked at him.

"Is everything okay?" He asked. Everyone kept asking me that question, it was getting irritating.

"No. Are you happy now?" I smiled sarcastically as I took a bottle of water from the table and left the room where Paul was. At that point I didn't care much about anything.

***

After the show still nothing changed. I still had a shitty mood and the anger didn't go away. I saw Calum glance at me a few times during the concert but I tried not to pay attention to him.

I decided to go out into the fresh air. I passed more people heading to the back of the building. The door was open and I went outside. The sky was a dark shade and the air was cool. As I moved away from the entrance I leaned against the wall closing my eyes.

I tried to silence my mind and as expected - failure again. I opened my eyes looking around then saw them. Michael, Luke and Calum stood in the doorway talking about something. I noticed that Calum was holding a pack of cigarettes and a lighter in his hand. I watched as he started to take out one cigaette but at some point he stopped. My eyes immediately went to his face, he was looking at me. He put the contents of his hand in his back pocket, saying something to the guys, then started walking towards me. Great. When he was getting closer to me I pushed myself off the wall as I tried to get past him, he crossed my way, stopping me in place.

"Don't run away this time" he said simply. When I wanted to move forward, he crossed my way again.

"Can you step aside?" I looked into his dark eyes.

"I just want to talk" he said standing close to me. I didn't feel like listening to what he had to say and my anger wasn't helping me in any way. I felt more and more irritated by him.

"But I don't want to" I started to look around slowly losing control. This time I managed to get past him but he gently grabbed my wrist. I broke away from him grip, turning to face him. I couldn't take it any longer.

"Get the fuck away from me" I said raising my tone considerably. He looked at me in shock.

"I just wanted to.." I cut him off.

"I really don't care what you wanted. We have nothing to talk about, take care of anything else and leave me alone" he stood calmly looking at me. I turned away from him and headed for the door. Luke and Michael who were standing in the entrance to the building looked at me with wide eyes.

"Sorry.." I whispered to make them step aside so I could go inside, so they did.

I took my anger out on a person who hasn't do anything wrong. He came to the wrong place at the wrong time. I began to realize what I had done. I probably missed my chance for a better life. Until now I blamed my mother for destroying my life but now she wasn't here. I had no one to blame. This time I was responsible for my decisions.