lonely heart || cth [slowly written]

Chapter 21.

Through the window I watched the already familiar Los Angeles streets. I may not have spent much time in this city in the past, but I knew it quite well. I was hoping for a new start, I was convinced that moving permanently to a new place would change something. I wanted it to be like that. Despite everything, it felt like I was leaving something important behind. Why was I feeling guilty? I should be happy, I always dreamed about it. About escape. About running away from the old life, from the past that meant nothing. Now that I was finally able to achieve it, something was holding me back. The music from the car speakers mingled with the sound of the city coming in through the crack of a tilted car window.

"Where should I go first?" Ashton's voice snapped me out of my thoughts. Sitting in the back of his black Range Rover. I could see his hazel eyes in the mirror reflection. Calum sitting next to him in the front seat was exceptionally quiet.

Since that conversation in the bathroom, we haven't come back to the topic of our sex. Which was good for me. It was a moment of forgetfulness, maybe loneliness. The need for closeness on his side, and on mine side? Probably just my stupidity.

"Go to my place. She'll stay with me" the black haired boy said, turning his head towards his bandmate.

"Can I speak for myself? Don't listen to him. Drop me off in front of some hotel" the tension between us was visible. The thought began to haunt me that Calum felt he owed me something after our night together. As if he needed to protect me, but I didn't know exactly from what.

"What's the matter with you? Something happened in Bali after we left?"

We were literally maybe 10 minutes in the car together. Since Ashton might have noticed strange changes in our behavior after such a short time, I was afraid that before we got to our destination, Calum would tell him what happened there.

I didn't want this information to go beyond the two of us. On the other hand, what would they do with that knowledge? It just happened. You can't turn back time. They wouldn't risk spreading something like that. I can already imagine these headlines on the internet if it went beyond our circle. When you are popular, the whole world looks into your life, into your relationships and finally into your bed. It is the same with the person you are dating. This is not normal, but this is how the world works.

"Nothing happened Ash. And you, Caitlin, will stay with me until you find something. You don't know how long it will take. Besides, I think you'll need help finding a place to live" it sounded like an order as he turned his head to look at me. He sounded so bossy, I didn't know him that way. He's always been a quiet one for me, who speaks little, but always listens. He was a good listener. I had more to do with him than I thought.

"No. I'm not going to stay with you" I shook my head, still keeping eye contact.

Anger in his eyes. The only time I saw it was in the bathroom, when I tried not to answer his question. I had no idea why it was there. He was angry with me because I turned him down? Or maybe because I had my own opinion?

"Why not? Why are you arguing with me? What did I do wrong?" he shifted in his seat, turning a little more towards me.

He was frustrated.

"Because I don't want to bother you" the truth was, I was just scared. 

I was afraid of the daily confrontation. The fact that I will look - for a while every day - in his eyes, and all my memory will be able to do is recreate the fact that we slept together. And I know he will be thinking the same. At least as long as the case is still fairly fresh. I thought when I cut myself off from him for a few weeks or months, it wouldn't be so important after this time. I will look back laughing that I was so concerned about it. But seeing his face every day won't help.