straight and fast (chaesoo)

Stop

"Do you still see her?"

"Not anymore."

"That's good, no?"

"I guess." I said with a shrug and Lisa just pat my shoulder, it's comforting in a way.

The last time that I saw Rosie was 2 months ago, by the shore. I haven't skipped my medication since then, I think that's the reason why. I'm kinda curios if I skip one though, would it bring them back?

"Don't even think about it." Lisa suddenly said as if she read my thoughts.

"What?" I asked innocently but she just shakes her head.

"You're thinking out loud."

"Oh."

"Please don't lapse." Lisa pleaded that made look at her sending her a forced smile and a nod.

It's funny if you'll think about it. I'm depending on a pill to stop seeing things when in the past, I use them to see what I wanted to see. If I stopped taking them, it would be like I'm taking other substance.

Taehyung and I actually made a deal, he would stop taking his stupid drugs for every medication I take. If he ever start using again, I would stop taking mine. That's our deal, so now we became each other's responsibility.

"I miss her." I suddenly said that made Lisa look at me again.

"Me too. I miss her too." She said shakily.

I feel stupid and selfish after she said that. I haven't really thought about other's feelings but myself. Of course they miss her too, Lisa is Chaeyoung's bestfriend after all. The guys are so fond of her too, but they didn't do anything stupid.

But then again this might be because of the guilt, I was with her and I couldn't do anything. If it was one of them I bet they could have saved her.

"You did everything you could do Chu, stop it."

"Ugh stop reading me." I groaned that made Lisa chuckle softly.

"Stop beating yourself, it was an accident." She said softly.

"Stop beating yourself, it was an accident." Chaeyoung said softly.

"I still could have done something." I groaned in frustration that made her chuckle.

"Here, at least you have saved this one." She said as she hand me a lone sunflower.

It was the flower I pick to give her the other day, before the field was destroyed.

"It's not your fault." Chaeyoung said with a soft smile.

"You know she wouldn't want you like this." Lisa said that brought me back to reality.

"I know."

"So forgive yourself."

I wish it's that easy.

"It'll take some time, but you'll get there. That's what she wants." She continued.

--

"Happy birthday." I said as I lay a rose on her grave.

Lisa and Jennie followed in, laying down roses as well as they greeted her a happy birthday too. The guys did the same and soon her grave is full of white roses.

Lisa then laid the blanket they brought and the guys helped her for our little picnic by her.

We do this every year on her birthday. Drink, eat, sit, and talk about life by her.

Every year I'll be the last to leave like I don't come here often.

I come here every Christmas, New Year, on Valentine's Day, on my birthday, when I'm lonely, when I miss her or even when I just feel like it.

At first I was afraid to visit her because that means accepting that she's really gone. But when I did, I'm almost here everyday because as weird as this may sound but it's like she's here with me, like she's keeping me company.

I thought I'll be okay and that the guilt, the pain will go away eventually.

I can't count how many times I've cried in front of her grave. I never cry but I became a crybaby when I'm here with her. If she could really see me she would have scold me for crying to much.

I did everything to forget, I focused on university, pass the boards after I graduated and then work immediately.

But it's been 5 years since the accident.

And every night I would still see her in my dreams.

And I don't know if I could ever let her go. There's one thing that I know for sure though.

I will never stop loving her.

Because I promised to love her forever.

"What's this?" Chaeyoung asked giggling making my heart swell.

"Will you marry me?" I asked as I slipped the gummy ring on her finger and smiled at my work of art.

"You're making my heart flutter." She said that made me smile wider.

"Good." I said and she laughed. She looks to beautiful.

"You're mine now." I told her as I sit beside her making her snuggle to my side.

"Okay." She hummed in contentment.

"Can I eat this though?" She asked looking at the gummy ring, making me laugh.

"Sure, love."

"You'll still be mine even if I eat this?" She asked again.

"Yes, baby."

"You'll still love me until we die?"

"I promise I will love you forever." I said as I kissed her temple.

She beamed at my answer and bite on the gummy ring happily.

I then showed her the bag of gummy rings making her squeal and showered my face with kisses.

"I love you so much." She said as she rests her forehead to mine.

"I love you forever."