Wistful Paradise / H.S. [COMPLETE]

Thirty-Seven

Florence

Today marks seven months. Seven months since Harry and I have lost our baby. It's also the day our vacation ended and we had to go to work again.

Seven months.

Sometimes it still felt surreal to me. But every time I thought about our baby boy, the feelings were different.

At first, I felt constricted and helpless even. It felt like every breath I took made me feel worse. Then that feeling faded and instead, I felt remorse and jealousy. I was angry at myself, I felt like I could've prevented the stillbirth.

Then came acceptance, well I believe I am still in that phase. The acceptance was the hardest part of it all. At first, I am fine, I feel alright and then that faded and the guilt came back.

Seven months and I was still not completely myself. 

Harry knew what today was, the minute his eyes opened, the look in his eyes shifted. 

I opted for a soft smile and a tiny kiss, not wanting to see the pity in his eyes. We both knew what day it was just like we knew a month ago.  And the months before that. But every month our reactions were different and this month was probably the first time I didn't wake up crying.

"Good morning," I whispered bravely, not knowing how my voice would sound. But I was pleasantly surprised when it didn't break.

"Morning," He rasped quietly, his arms rising above his body to stretch out his limbs and groaning softly. "I hate to fly this early."

"Me too," I mumbled, cuddling into his chest and feeling my heart flutter when his arms wrapped around my body and he softly squeezed. "But we'll see Bono again."

"Yeah, we will," He hummed with a content smile. 

We were going back home today. And it felt like a fresh start for so many reasons. 

Siena and Vic were planning on travelling home together but my sister wasn't a morning person so I don't know if she's going to make it.

The reason that we had to get up this early was because of Harry's tour. He had rehearsals four hours after we landed. We still hadn't really settled if I would go with Harry again or if I should just go to work. 

I think I'd rather do the latter. I'd like to get back into the field, start rehearsing and having table reads. Michael had updated me on several new roles. And told me about several scripts I could read.

I felt ready to get back to work but I had to figure out how Harry was feeling about it all. I could wait if he wanted me to.

"Flo, you up?" Siena's voice sounded through the door, a small knock on the door interrupting our cuddle.

"Yeah, come in," I spoke loudly and watched how the door opened and then my sister's face was revealed. She was still in her pyjamas and seemed really sleep deprived. 

She stumbled over to me and asked Harry if he was decent before jumping in bed next to me after she got the answer she wanted. Her face cuddled in my neck as she groaned loudly, her arms wrapping around me.

"He's perfect on paper but the only fucking flaw that he has is that he's a morning person. A fucking morning person. What do I do?" She whined into my skin, making both Harry and I laugh.

My sister never was a morning person. She liked to sleep in and every occasion to snooze was the go-to. It's been like that ever since she was a kid. She would grumble her way downstairs and sit at the kitchen table. We wouldn't talk to her until she started talking to us.