Wistful Paradise / H.S. [COMPLETE]

Four

Florence

The night of the gender reveal ended way past midnight and I felt uncomfortable the whole ride back. Harry tried comforting me on the way home, telling me how much fun he had and how he's actually happy to have a little boy.

It seems like Harry knows exactly what's up, at all times. When we first started dating, it surprised me how he could figure out I get moody when my period is about to start or when I'm hungry. Now it doesn't really surprise me anymore, we've been dating for the longest time and it's a quirk I kind of love about him. But tonight, it annoyed me because once we got into the car he knew something was bothering me and I knew that I wouldn't be able to get out of it easily.

When we arrived home, I yelled Bono's name and sat down on the sofa, waiting until Bono was safely next to me before calling out to Harry. When he trotted from the kitchen towards me, I felt like an asshole for keeping him in the dark for so long.

We were usually very open and communicative with each other. It felt like I had betrayed him. But I told him everything.

I told him that I wasn't ready, how I've been pretending to be ready for so long and that I can't take it any longer. I could see the sadness and hurt behind his eyes because I had kept him in the dark for so long but eventually he told me that he understood me. He told me that he was okay with me not being ready, but I knew he wasn't okay with it. At that moment he must have felt so alone, we were supposed to share this experience together, but it had been one-sided for so long.

Not only did I see the hurt but I also saw how scared he felt, I could see it in those green eyes of his. They were slightly widened during my talk with him and he was fidgety the whole time. But I promised myself and him that I would be ready when the baby arrives. I simply have to.

I can't rely on Harry every step of the way. I can't ask him to breastfeed and I can't expect him to continuously wake up in the middle of the night to change our sons' diaper or feed him. I can't expect Harry to be the mother and the father all at once. I had to change myself and I had to do it soon. It shouldn't be that hard for me to take on a new role. I'm an actress after all, right?

At times I feel like I am overthinking this too much, that everything will be just fine in the end. But how do I stop my head from doing that exact thing?

Today, weeks after our gender reveal, was the day Harry and I would go shopping for the baby. After those Vans and that little romper, we haven't really bought anything. I think Harry was scared to buy our baby something else, but I didn't want to ask him. I've been focusing a lot on myself lately, trying to figure out how to take care of this baby, Harry and myself.

I looked at myself in the mirror, Harry was busy in the kitchen, preparing something to eat and I was here staring at my bump. It's weird how a female body can change this much in a matter of months. I let my fingers slide on my side, dangerously close to my bump. I lift up my hand slightly, my eyes fixed on my belly through the mirror. My hand hovered above my belly, ready to touch it.

I stared at myself for too long, my hand not daring to touch my belly. When I heard a small knock, something Harry usually did out of habit of being on tour, I quickly grabbed a flowy dress, hiding the fact that I was staring at my belly. "Hey, we should go soon," He softly spoke, holding out his hand. My shaking hand reached forward and I laced it with his.

The concern in his eyes only intensified and not even three seconds later, his arms safely wrapped around me. It only occurred to me then how many hugs he has given me over the last few months. He's been a hugger all his life but I'll happily embrace the extra hugs I'm receiving from him. "I'm excited," He simply told me, his voice muffled into my skin.