My light in my dark world (Brittana)

Chapter 11

It had been a couple of days now since the pick up truck date and Santana and Brittany had hardly spoke. Santana was feeling overwhelmed. Not necessarily in a bad way, but she was just worrying she was moving too fast. Her engagement with her abusive ex had only just ended and here she was going on dates with her other ex, the only girl she's ever TRULY been in love with.

Quinn had texted Santana asking how the date went.

Quinn: 'So, how'd it go?
Santana: 'Yeah I had fun, it was nice. Just a bit overwhelmed'
Quinn: 'What do you mean?'
Santana: 'It's just...fast. I don't know I'm just...scared'
Quinn: 'There's no rush, San. Just be friends and see what happens'
Santana: 'It's hard to be just friends when you have history. She's made it clear she likes me'
Quinn: 'Then just be honest with her. It'll be ok x'

Santana knew honesty was the best policy, she just didn't want to hurt Brittany or regret any rush decisions. She knew she'd always care for her, that was obvious, but she wasn't ready to go full speed into a relationship again. Not yet.

Santana got in her car and headed for Brittany's house. She knocked on the door when she arrived and waited for Brittany to open.

"Santana...uh...hey?" said Brittany, visibly confused. "Hi, Britt. We need to talk" replied Santana. Brittany's facial expression changed and you could see her smile disappear. "Yeah I've been trying to talk to you for 2 days but you've been avoiding me" said Brittany. Santana was saddened knowing she was already hurting her. "I know, I'm sorry. Look, you've helped me in more ways than you'll know lately. You've been an incredible friend to me and I'm glad we're in each other's lives again. But, I just...I'm not ready to be anything more than friends right now. I'm damaged, I need to fix and love myself before I love anyone else. I still want to see you and be close Britt, but I just am not ready for anything more. I'm sorry" admitted Santana, her eyes glued to the floor.

Brittany felt her heart sink but put on a brave face. "I understand. But why did you call the pick up truck trip a date? If you knew we wouldn't go any further. You were flirting with me all evening too" asked Brittany confused again after being given mixed signals. "I thought I was ready, but I just don't think I am. I'm sorry if I've lead you on. Can we be friends?" asked Santana. "Sure" answered Brittany as she weakly smiled and closed the door as she headed back inside.

Santana was devastated that she wasn't ready to be with Brittany yet. She always felt like they'd eventually get back together, but she was still just too broken and insecure. The idea of Brittany being with someone else or moving on from her destroyed her, but she had to do what she felt was right.

She headed to Quinn's house to tell her the update and so she could have some support from her best friend. She was also so upset about the Brittany situation that she knew if she went home, she'd be tempted to have a drink and she didn't want to fall back into that hole.

Quinn: "San? What's wrong?"
Santana: "I kinda told Brittany that I just want to be friends for now. I'm not saying forever, but just not right now. I'm just not ready"
Quinn: "At least you were honest. She can't ask for more than that. I'm sure she'll wait for you, she has for 5 years"

Santana wiped a tear after hearing Brittany had waited for her for 5 years.

Quinn: "I'm proud of you for putting yourself first. Now sit down and let's put a film on"

They sat together and watched a film and ate some junk food to cheer up Santana. Either way she felt like she couldn't win. If she was more than friends with Brittany, she worried she'd be moving too fast. If she was just friends with Brittany, she worried she would always want to be more. It was a conflicting situation but Santana knew she had to still work on herself for a while before she could tell Brittany she wants to be with her.