This is who I am (FtM)

Saturday, June 5th

Heyo, just wanted to update and just rant I guess.

I've been doing good recently, like I've been really happy and I still am. I'm just having one of my bad days today and I'm just really upset today. I'm trying to get myself to calm down, and be more happy but I honestly don't know how to. I just wanna curl into a ball and cry, I'm trying not to cry while I'm writing this. I'm just vibing to music, and thinking a bunch of stuff.

*TW putting yourself down and degrading yourself*

You ever just think your really worthless and you don't matter? That's how I feel right now and I absolutely hate it, everyone tells me it's not true but how I can I believe them when my mind is just telling me that they are lying and saying that because they have to. Like my parents don't even support me, and my dad calls me all kinds of names just for being me and it sucks. I can't handle this all of the time I'm trying so hard, I just want to make everyone else happy, but I want to be me.

I'm not going to lie about who I am, I never really have and I'm not going to now just because someone doesn't support me. Yeah it sucks, and if feels like I'm not cared for but I can't do anything about it. If someone doesn't support me then that's their issue, but I still don't like being put down for who I am or at all because it just makes me break down.

I hate myself, I'm not going to lie and say I don't because I do. I feel worthless and stupid, I feel ashamed of who I am sometimes just because of what people say. I did say that it doesn't matter what people say, but it does sometimes because after you here it so many times you start to believe it. I just want to be happy, and not worry about getting put down all of the time for being me. 

*Tw* *eating problems* *anxiety*

My anxiety is getting really bad lately, and it's to the point where I don't really want to eat because it just makes me feel sick. I eat maybe once a day, I'm trying to break that habit, and I'm doing better but I have bad days. I ate a few times today and I'm proud of myself, but my anxiety and nerves are making me just want to throw it back up.

I also hate that I feel like I can't help people when I really want to, I'm not good with my words I always try but it's not always the best. Also when someone says sorry when there's nothing to be sorry for, if you feel sad or having a bad day you can't help that. I really wish I could just help everyone, I know it's a bad habit to have but I like helping people that's how I am. I also know I can't help everyone but damn I really wish I could, but I can at least help a few people. I just hate when people are upset and I can't help, it hurts me to see people upset and I can't do anything or just in general people being upset kills me inside. That's a lot sorry about that.

Okay, I'm done ranting now. I'll update when I can see y'all.

Have a great day ~ Jaiy ❤️