This is who I am (FtM)

Friday, June 11th

In advance there will be cussing in this I apologize...
*TW* *thoughts about giving up and self degrading*

You ever just wanna be fucking happy, and you finally found that happiness and then your brain is just like haha nope. I feel so damn lonely, but I'm not like I have amazing friends not many but the few I have are great, and my boyfriend makes me so happy I just can't keep that happiness. It's like one day I'm perfectly fine, then the next I'm crying in my room blasting music so nobody hears me.

I sometimes feel like I can't do this anymore and I just want to give up, but I can't. I made a promise to at least 4 people I wouldn't give up. I want to I really do, but I won't. I hate this feeling in the pit of my stomach, that just tells me that everything is going to go down hill. It's like I want to believe everything will be okay, but I don't think it will.

I'm told to talk about my feelings, but I don't know how without feeling bad for it. So many people have it much worse than I do, but I'm over here crying for stupid fucking reasons.

I'm giving way to much than I should, I love helping others, but I don't know how long I can do it for. I just miss when I was a naive kid, and didn't think about the future I just thought about what was for dinner the next day. I want to go back, we all used to want to grow up but now none of us do. I might only be 16 but I'm a junior in high school, and it just makes everything so much worse.

I keep pushing everyone away. I don't know how not to when I'm feeling this way. Like I want someone to be there for me, but when someone is I get scared. I'm scared that as soon as they see how broken I really am, their just going to leave me. I can't have that, I need these people in my life.

I keep telling myself everything will be fine, but I don't believe it. I want it to be I really do. I hate this I hate it so damn much. Like why can't I just be fucking happy? Why can't I have a happy life with a happy family and just be damn normal? Like just WHY?!

I hate myself. I hate everything about me. My hair, my body, my face, my personality, just everything. Is it so hard to ask to just be happy for one fucking day without any problems. I can't fucking do this forever, I just want to be happy. I'm not worth anything I'm fucking worthless. I'm so goddamn broken that it's unreal. This is the only way I can express myself. I wish I could just fucking die, and everything would be fine then nobody else has to deal with my stupid, ugly, worthless self.

I'm done ranting now...

Have a great day ~ Jaiy ❤️