This is who I am (FtM)

Friday, July 9th

This won't be in paragraphs it's just one big paragraph sorry about that.

*TW* eating issues, depression, anxiety, death, self-harm, unsupportive parents, mental/emotional abuse, physical abuse, drinking, self-degrading.

Ughh, it's almost 6 in the morning and I'm crying my eyes out. God, I can't keep how I feel a secret, I hate life. Everyone says they stay, but they leave. People say they love you, but then they don't. Ha, my dad said he loved me, but when I'm happy being me he hates me. I can't do this much longer, I can't dammit I really can't. I wanna say so much, but there are so many things that trigger people. *TW* I wanna hurt myself, I want to relapse and I feel bad about that but it's getting hard. I walked into the kitchen today and there were scissors and the first thing I thought of was doing that you know? I hate this I hate thinking that way I hate wanting to do that. I don't wanna hurt anyone, well except myself. I can't do this forever, I just can't. It's hard, I help everyone and I wish I could stop, but I don't wanna be like my parents who say they are gonna be there for you but lie. I can't be that way I won't. I don't want to eat, but I have to. If I don't other people won't, and I think that isn't fair to me. I can't stomach food at times and everyone is like just eat once? What if I don't fucking want to?! What if I wanna starve?! So fucking what it's my damn body, it's myself. I'm tired of being treated like I'm a fucking child. Yes, I wanna be cared for, but I feel like I'm being monitored. I don't like eating because it makes me feel disgusting. I hate the way I look, I just wanna be happy with the way I look but I don't know how to. I can't sleep I have nightmares I have really bad nightmares, and I wish I could just stop them but I can't. I wake up in the middle of the night like 3 times so why sleep? And when I try to sleep I start crying because I keep thinking about so much. Like I think I'm worthless, ugly, useless, I'm a fucking train wreck, I'm a disappointment. I hate that but it's all true. You'll try telling me otherwise, but I won't believe you. I'll try and I'll say I do, but I can't do that. I can't think about anything but that. I cry every night, literally every night. It's like a nightly routine, it's sucky and shitty and very fucked up but what can ya do?! I hate myself I hate my life I hate living I hate everything about this life except the few people that I love and the few people who truly do care. But even with them being amazing people I can't think differently about myself I wish I could but I can't. These are things I can't say. So I'll write them and I'll publish them. They will see them and then they'll tell me I'm amazing and they love me and I shouldn't feel that way but I'll still think that way. You can't do anything about how I feel, I've tried therapy it didn't help. I tried telling my parents to get me help, but again it didn't help. They don't care they say they do but they don't. And I'm tempted to show my mom this but it's too personal I can't let her see that her son is not as strong as she thinks he's weak and he's not sure how much more he can handle. She'll correct me on that if I show her this she'll say I'm her daughter, not her son, but that's funny because if I'm correct I told her I'm trans and I'm a boy and I always have been. I wish she would understand that, but she won't because she was raised that way. She's never said that, but it's just how I feel. I love my mom I do, but it's scary thinking someone that's supposed to love me the most doesn't support who I am. I don't like my dad I could go as far as to say I hate him, he's an asshole. He always talks down on me like I'm some type of alien, I'm a human being with feelings you know?! He acts like just because I'm trans I'm inhuman that's not okay, he yells at me constantly mainly when he's drinking but even sometimes when he's sober. I can't show this to my mom especially with what I'm about to say. My dad has slapped me before on the face because I was struggling with having the motivation to do my schoolwork, I did it after that but I didn't deserve it I'm sorry what am I supposed to find the motivation to move on the days where I just wanna stay in bed and cry?! It's not fair to me, I haven't been to my dad's in a while because the last time I was there he hurt me. Mentally and physically but mainly mentally. He was yelling at me saying stupid shit about who I was, and brung up how nobody helps him when that's a damn lie. He blames everyone else for his damn problems, but for some reason, he takes it out on me what the hell did I do to deserve that? Can someone tell me why, please?! He got in my face and I was scared he was gonna hit me, then he sat on the couch I was laying on and wouldn't let me move I was trapped. I was on the phone during this and every time I wouldn't pay attention he would elbow me in the stomach and it hurt. I just wanted him to leave me alone, but I couldn't do anything because I'm weak. I'm not wrong like everyone thinks I'm just a weak useless child. That's all I am. And honestly, why should I have to so fucking strong at the age of 16?! I shouldn't have to deal with this, but it's life right? That's all I can see it as, it's just life. I'm done with this rant it was useless I'm going to make people cry with this. I'm going to feel terrible, but maybe this needed to be said.

~ TW ~ over

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Sorry about that I just needed to get it out, thanks for reading I guess I love you all. Text me if y'all ever need someone to rant to I'll listen. Also haha 1135 words.

Have a great day ~ Jaiy ❤️