When You Left

IX

It's been 2 weeks now. 

I decided to try and let you go. I started with all the letters you ever gave me.  I couldn't help myself, I sat down and reached out for one.

I find the first letter you gave me. You were away for your job for a couple of months and I had nightmares frequently then. And it was worse because you weren't there to comfort me.

You sent me this letter some days after. I was over the moon. It warmed my heart and made me fall in love with you all over again. It wasn't much but you managed to put in so much affection into just a few words.

I read it everyday before I fell asleep, once I woke up and whenever I missed you. It made it easier. You sent me multiple letters then. Even though I told you that you already texted and video called me often, you insisted on writing the letters. 

I went through them all. The heavy feeling of loss and pain weighing down on me. Every word I read pricked my heart. By the time I'd gone through the lot, tears were streaming down my face. I bury my face in my hands, loud sobs wracking my body.

It hurts so much. It's excruciating. Like I'm being ripped apart piece by piece. It was as if fate was toying with me. I scream and mercilessly tear the letter nearest to me. And just like that I'm in a frenzy. I rip up letter after letter, until there is only one left.

The very first one.

I couldn't bring myself to do it though. I hold it close to my chest, just above my heart. Some tears fall onto the paper, wetting it and spreading the ink. I wipe them off.

Gradually my breathing slows and my tears stop. I lie there on the floor, in the middle of the mess I made, the letter still tightly held against me. I stare at the ceiling. And at some point, sleep pulls me into it's arms.

-----------------------

When I wake up, the sun is almost setting. I prop myself onto my elbows and look out the window. The sun looks like red ball floating in an ocean of sunset hues. The colors coat the entire room in their soft, warm glow. I let out a sigh looking at the shredded pieces of paper strewn around me. 

I start collecting the torn pieces one by one and throw them all away. 

I keep the first letter on the dressing table next to a framed picture of you and me. We took on my birthday. In it we're both standing side by side, smiling widely at the camera, showing off the rings on our intertwined hands. 

 That ring still sits on my finger. It's just a simple silver ring, two thin bands twisting around each other to form an infinity.  I couldn't help but cry tears of joy and run into your arms when you gave it to me. That night felt magical. 

But all that beautiful magic's gone now. Vanished without a trace. In that moment I'm tempted  to yank the ring on my finger and get rid of it. 

I take a deep breathe trying to keep my emotions under control. I look down at the ring again. I can't take it off. How could I? It's one of the only few things I have left of us. 

I bring it to my lips. The cold metal of the ring touches my lips and the sensation sends a tiny shiver through me. I hold it there for a minute and close my eyes. 

Your face immediately materializes in front of me. Your beautiful brown eyes, that I'd get lost in, your disarming smile, your chiseled jaw and strong arms. Your soft expression.  

I touch my face, only to find it wet. I didn't realize I was crying. I wipe them off aggressively, getting mad at how much this was affecting me. How much I was letting  it affect me.

But I couldn't help it. You were my joy, my happy place. When you left you took all of it with you.