MORE THAN ONE SOULMATE... ( Sarah Paulson )

XI - Confessions

(Y/n)'s POV

You both remained on the patio in a comfortable silence but, while laying there wrapped in Sarah's arms, under the incredible weather of the day, you couldn't avoid replaying in your mind over and over again, the most daunting question Sarah had made you so far. The one topic that she had brought up before your mother's phone call that you had so abruptly deflected, what had happened to you that made you so resistant to share your intimacy...

You had never been willing to share that with anyone. No one had ever mattered enough for you to consider opening yourself up like that, so far it just had been out of the question, but for some reason she was different, she made you want to open up, she made you want to let yourself be known even if it would hurt to revisit painful memories.

You raised your head, supported your chin on your intertwined fingers that laid on top of her chest, and gazed while she still held her eyes closed, as if just by looking at her you'd be able to find an answer to the frightening questions popping up in your head. 'Would she leave me? If it took me too long to feel safe to say it out loud? To explain to her everything?'

As if she could feel your thoughts changing from a peaceful and loving place to a darker and scary one, she opened her eyes and matched your stare. - "What is it sweety?" - she said softly, caressing your freshly cut undershave, since you were now holding the rest of your hair in a small bun, leaving you to almost purr at the sensation of her hands on your skull.

However, the intensity of her eyes on yours were overwhelming, and knowing how hard it would be for you to get into the subject right away you tried to approach the whole thing in a different way. - "What's the one thing you wish you could do to me.... You know... in bed? If I was... like... normal?"

Sarah smiled sweetly at the thought of you not thinking that you're normal. - "Baby... You're not, not normal..." - she chokes a little, trying to comfort you without diminishing the situation, not wanting to be insensitive about what could have possibly hurt you in the past.

- "So, you think being an untouched traumatized 24 year old is normal?" - you bring your head down, forehead to her chest, ashamed of your inexperience and regretting bringing it up.

- "I think being strong enough to fight society on their stereotypes, until you feel safe enough to fully deliver yourself to someone you truly want to, is not normal." - she says in a more serious voice lifting your chin to re-establish your eye contact. - "I think that's brave." - Your eyes tear up immediately after hearing her perspective on your inner battle. It has always been your biggest insecurity and to listen to her saying that she thinks that you're courageous instead of thinking that you're a freak makes you smile ear to ear, and you lean in to give her a passionate, loving and long-lasting peck on her lips, between a few of the uncontainable salty tears that ran down your face, as a 'Thank you' that you could never even dream to try and translate into words. As you break the kiss, you stay still a few seconds looking deep in her eyes, contemplating telling at last what had actually happened to you.

- "When I was 17..." - you say, pausing almost immediately to try and figure out the best way to proceed.

- "Shhh."- she interrupts you, placing her index finger in between your lips and shaking her head. - "You don't have to. I'll wait as long as you want me to." - To which you kiss her finger, grab her hand, and intertwine your fingers with hers, bringing both your hands to your chest so she could feel your heart racing through her own sweatshirt that you were wearing.

- "When I was 17, I applied to an army summer camp, because my goal was to be a military engineer. And while I was there, there was this military guy that was constantly flirting with me, and he was cute and everything and I was enjoying the attention, so I used to flirt back." - you breathe deeply... - "One night he made it very clear that he was interested in coming back to my chambers with me... But I was new to the whole thing and I had no intention of skipping all the steps of a real relationship..." - you're voice starts to break. - "Well... I don't think he enjoyed the rejection, so he came to my chambers later that night anyway, and since the number of girls was so low, we each got our own room to sleep in."