Drowning | Anorexic Todoroki x Bakugou

4 | Nothing Wrong

Shouto Todoroki

Neither Bakugou nor Todoroki spoke a word as they walked back to U.A. together. Todoroki was somewhat comforted by the silence between them—he wasn't obligated to say anything. Though, that wasn't to say he particularly enjoyed the awkward silence when it involved his boyfriend.

So, when the two entered Bakugou's dorm, Todoroki swallowed thickly but plastered on his neutral facade. "What did you want to talk about?" He seated himself on Bakugou's bed.

"Please, for the love of God, answer me fucking honestly, Shouto..." With a long, audible sigh, Bakugou crossed his arms. "Is there somethin' wrong? Is something going on? Is something bothering you? Look, I dunno how the hell to phrase it." He leaned against his bed frame.

My weight and body are the problems, so ultimately, I'm the problem, Todoroki scolded himself. I just need to lose more weight, and then I can be content. I hate how fat my arms and legs are, how fat I am at the abdomen, how wide my waist is... I hate having to look at how fat I am all over. I hate that other people have to see me like this.

"There's nothing wrong," Todoroki muttered with frost licking his words. "Are you insinuating that there is something wrong with me?" He narrowed his eyes as though to form the edge of a blade with his cutting glare.

Bakugou scrunched his brows together as his expression contorted. "I'm this fucking close to lashing out at you," he hissed while pinching his thumb and forefinger together. "But yeah, maybe I am, because to me, it sounds like you've been lying to my face about a variety of things. Do you feel like you can't trust me? Babe, I—"

"There's nothing wrong with me," Todoroki abruptly interjected with conviction coursing through his voice. "We all have secrets. We all lie. It's inevitable. My lies are only affecting me."

"Bullshit. They're affecting me as well. I hate it when you lie to me. I told you at the beginning of this relationship that I value honesty and hate being lied to! You've been ignoring me a lot this past week. What did I do to you to be brushed off?!" He curled his hands into fists.

You're making the problem worse once again. He's right. You're his boyfriend. Why are you treating him like shit? You don't deserve him. Why did you even bother getting into a relationship when you can't even live with yourself? You're just hurting him. Aren't you ashamed of your own worthlessness? If you really loved him, you would've told him you feel the same way, but that you aren't ready. What did you do? You dragged him into your problems. He has to deal with them. It sounds miserable. You love obsessing over your weight, your calorie intake, your reflection, etcetera, more than you love him. What's wrong with you? You're an embarrassment. You're a disgrace. You're a frail, foolish, fat mistake. All you're doing is using him. You know what to tell him.

Todoroki's head sank into his knees as a warm, heavy liquid began to pool around his eyes. "I'm sorry..." he whispered. "I'm sorry, Katsuki... I don't think we should be in—"

Bakugou embraced Todoroki fast. His tender touch felt like the bellows to Todoroki's bonfire of suffocating sorrow, and Todoroki found himself quietly blinking his tears away into Bakugou's arms. Yet, as the silence of the room wove around them like a scarf, Todoroki began to quiver and sniffle as his thoughts throbbed through his mind. His lips curled back while his shoulders tensed, but regardless of how he steeled himself for the emotions crunching into his chest from the inside, his feelings only intensified within his lover's ardent embrace.

Broken again by a pebble on this endless path, Todoroki inwardly muttered while soft sobs escaped his thin, cracked lips. It doesn't hurt, and yet I'm falling down and sobbing. The little things hurt the most. I don't understand. I can smile through the things that stab through me from head to toe, but the paper cut will sting the most. It hurts, and I'm not even bleeding. I'm breaking down over such trivial things that don't even make sense to me. I can't remember when I last cried like this, but I hate that I'm so vulnerable in front of Katsuki. It hurts, and I don't fucking know why. It feels like the tip of a knife is poking through my spine, and the handle levitates because the knife is impaling my stomach. That's what it feels like, but in reality, it's just my misery poking me in the stomach. I feel like I either feel empty, absurdly sad to such an extent where it feels almost numb, or it just hurts. Why does it hurt so much when there's nothing wrong with me?

As Todoroki's light sobbing died down like embers descending through the ashen sky, Bakugou hugged him tight as he whispered, "I'm sorry too, Shouto." Silky yet husky, his words kissed Todoroki's ears with brief sighs of warmth. "You don't hear that from me very often, but I shouldn't have gone off like that." He released Todoroki from his tenacious hold without unraveling his arms completely. "Shouto, lemme get to the point, 'kay? I know you haven't been eating. You comfortable with sayin' why?" He kneaded his hand through Todoroki's hair.

Because I'm fucking fat. "It doesn't matter," Todoroki replied through a sniffle.

Bakugou lifted Todoroki's head by the chin. "You could fucking die if this keeps going," the ash-blonde growled. "We need to work something out. You need to be eating, Shouto. Water ain't gonna cut it. You're not fat, Babe. You look fucking beautiful, but I can tell you right now that you're underweight. Lemme help you..." His scarlet, glassy eyes pleaded for Todoroki to comply with him.

I'm past that point, Katsuki, Todoroki thought to himself while offering a shrug. I wanted to be someone you could be proud of—not the person I am now—but I don't understand why I should try to struggle when it's only going to hurt me more. It's not worth the effort or the consequences. Every time I resist to try and get past this horrible, endless cycle, I give in again the next time. No one will notice, so why not? It feels like it gets worse and worse each time I make progress. I'll make a goal to gain weight, yet I end up losing more by the end of the week. I'm pathetic. Useless. Stupid. Good for nothing. I can't keep hurting you like this. I have to tell you. I have to end this. I am fat, Katsuki. Have you not seen me? I'm so fucking fat... I hate it. I hate myself. I wish I could just cut what I don't want off with scissors or a knife.

Releasing a sigh, Bakugou uttered, "You can't be happy like this..." He tucked Todoroki's hand into his. "The fact that this is goin' on tells me there's something deeper going on beneath the surface. It's not gonna get better if this persists, Shouto. It's just gonna end up being a downward spiral, no matter what you tell yourself. Do you realize that you're treating your body like absolute shit? Do you know how many major medical problems this could fucking cause? If this gets worse, you might need a feeding tube to get yer weight back up. Is that point still not enough?" He twined their thumbs together.

"I'm happier like this than I was before," Todoroki protested while rubbing away the residual stains of his tears. Is that the truth, or is that what I want to tell myself? "I look better now. I'm so much happier with myself and how I look now. Why should I stop if it makes me happy?" But I'm still not happy with myself.

I'm everything I wanted to be, but it's never enough. I'm fine. It's normal to want to lose weight and be thinner, right? I can get to a place where I'm happy with myself. I don't care about the damage. I deserve to suffer, if anything, for being so selfish in the first place. It's fine. But I'd rather drown alone in my pursuit of thinness than have Katsuki dive through the consequences of my actions and sacrifice his breath to save someone like me. I don't deserve that. I'll sink until you can't see me. I need you to go back to the shore so that my misery can't fill your lungs anymore. I'll be fine, Katsuki. I've endured all of this for years, and I'm still completely fine. I'm just making my problems seem so much worse than they actually are. So, leave me alone. Stop reaching into my problems. Just leave me here so you can be happy since you won't be dealing with me anymore. I'll be okay.

Silence continued to compress the air for a while before Bakugou shattered it with his voice. "Oi. I want you to get some help, Shouto. This isn't healthy at all. You might not think anything's wrong with what yer doing, but the effects are gonna be deadly in no time. I don't want it to get to that point, you hear?" He nodded to emphasize his point. "Even if you're happy, your body isn't, and the consequences are gonna bite you in the ass. Are you really happier with yourself when you're destroyin' your own body and your own health just to tell yourself yer happier this way?"