Drowning | Anorexic Todoroki x Bakugou

6 | Defeat

This story is not intended to promote or encourage actions such as self-harm or suicide.

Shouto Todoroki

Crouched down on his knees, Todoroki bent over his toilet and shoved his fingers down to the back of his throat, and as he desperately wedged his fingers down further, he managed to trigger enough of his gag reflex to cough. Webs of warm saliva oozed down his fingers and dripped into the water below. As minutes passed, all he had accomplished was gagging a few times while his cool saliva snaked down to his elbow; his body refused to vomit anything up. Every time he felt his stomach leap as he gagged, he was injected with the false hope that that time, he'd finally vomit something up.

Get it out, fatass. Do you realize how many calories you've consumed? Too many. You've eaten an entire month's worth of food in a few minutes. You're absolutely disgusting. Don't stop. You haven't done anything. That's how fucking useless you are. Keep jamming your fingers into your throat until you vomit. As many times as it takes. Haven't you learned your lesson? Aren't you sick of throwing up? All you had to do was not eat anything, and what did you do? You put all this fat into your body. This is all your fault. You chose to do this. Why are you so fucking useless!?

Todoroki wanted to scream. He wanted to cry out the emotions that he'd refused to capitulate to; having festered over time, the emotions tearing through his head felt like a pair of hands ripping his hair from his scalp and hammering nails into each fold and crevice in his brain for each second that passed. He wanted to roar out the voice that was bashing the nails into his mind and feeding the beasts that were his feral, visceral emotions. He wanted to scream until he'd screamed away his voice just to silence the voice that was feasting on his subservience to it.

I've done everything you've told me to do. Everything. Everything! I'VE DONE EVERY FUCKING THING TO SATISFY YOU! WHY ISN'T IT ENOUGH!? I'VE MET ALL THE FUCKING REQUIREMENTS, I'VE OBEYED EVERY COMMAND, I'VE THROWN IT ALL AWAY JUST TO SATISFY YOU! Why... WHY CAN'T I BE HAPPY!? WHY CAN'T I BE HAPPY WITH MYSELF YET!?

Todoroki pulled his dripping fingers out of his mouth to breathe and relax the sore muscles around his neck, and as he did so, the clear webs of his saliva fluttered down, strung between his fingers. He winced as a ragged sob escaped his lips, but after a moment of catching his breath, his slimy fingers wriggled along his tongue again. He hated that he could feel an entirely different world coated in his own slick, slimy fluids every time he purged, but to him, feeling as his throat seemed to convulse around his fingers with each breath he took just to vomit what was in his stomach was worth the effort.

Why, you wonder? Because you did this to yourself. No matter what you do, you'll never be enough for yourself. You were selfish and wouldn't listen to anyone else—you only listened to yourself. This is all your fault. Even now, you're running from what you brought upon yourself, so you're trying to pin the blame on someone else...

...when I'm the only one to blame.

As Todoroki's saliva continued to drip down his hands, seconds continued to drip through the unknown hourglass of time itself. At least twenty minutes had passed before he finally managed to squeeze up a fraction of what he'd eaten. He was exhausted by that point, but he persisted in his endeavor to empty out his stomach.

I'm so tired, Todoroki realized while a thread of saliva streamed down from his mouth into the toilet. My throat burns, my stomach hurts, and my neck is sore, but I have to throw it all up. It's so uncomfortable. I hate this. I just want to throw up, but I keep gagging instead of vomiting. Why am I so useless? I eat too much. I don't work out enough. I isolated myself and broke up with someone that I love and that loved me. I can't be bothered to get out of my futon. I don't want to do anything. I feel so empty after unconsciously suppressing my feelings, but I'm obviously not empty when I keep filling myself up with all these fattening calories. I can't even purge effectively. It always takes so long. I'm so useless. I'm so fat. I'm so selfish. I fucking hate myself. I don't care about anything but losing weight. How did it end up like this? It doesn't matter. Hurry up and throw it up, you fat, useless pig...