Drowning | Anorexic Todoroki x Bakugou

Alternate 3 | Relapse

Shouto Todoroki

For the next six months, Todoroki had been seeing a therapist daily for his eating disorder. Although the idea was certainly intimidating and unpleasant, he stayed true to his word and gave therapy a try. Initially, Todoroki hated therapy. He thought it was a waste of time, unhelpful, and simply dreadful. His first therapist was far too prodding for his liking, and it felt more like he was constantly being pressured to spill out the story of his life that he was quite ashamed of. Despite that, Bakugou convinced him to try and find a therapist he was more comfortable with. So, Todoroki did, and after roughly a month and a half of therapy, he no longer dreaded going.

In terms of Todoroki's progress, he essentially made none within the first few weeks; therapy felt pointless to him, and he still didn't want to say anything. After he'd broken his mindset that therapy was just a waste of time, he made slow, steady progress as he gradually opened up. By the third month of therapy, Todoroki was finally able to maintain a streak of being clean from purging that lasted more than three days, and he was eating somewhat regularly again. Frankly, he was happy with his progress, and Bakugou was as well. By the sixth month, Todoroki had gained enough weight to only be somewhat underweight, but that was where his main issue was.

Even though therapy had been undeniably helpful to Todoroki, the feelings ingrained in his mind weren't so swiftly or easily dismantled. He still wanted to be considered underweight, and to him, weighing anything above that created a mental picture of obesity. That was something he couldn't bring himself to discuss with his therapist, and thus, Todoroki had hit a mental block. He'd had many moments of relapsing, but he managed to endure three weeks without purging—that was what he was the most proud of. Honestly, Todoroki had some days where he seldom thought about trying to purge after eating, but other days proved to be especially challenging.

For Todoroki's birthday, Bakugou made him a cake that looked like a bowl of cold soba. Todoroki still wasn't one to eat large portions of anything, and he still mentally restricted how many calories he'd let himself consume each day, but he figured that to show his love for Bakugou, he'd eat all of his dinner. So, while keeping an approximation of how many calories he'd consumed that day, he did, but he wasn't anticipating that he would be served cake afterwards. He could tell that quite a bit of effort had been put into the cake, and admittedly, it tasted divine, but he could only imagine how many calories were in the slice of cake he choked down.

I'll gain too much weight from tonight, Todoroki realized while returning to his dorm from the common area. I could work out until I burn it off. I know I should be open about how I feel with my therapist, but there are some things that I just can't force myself to say. I want to hold on to these things. I have to get rid of them one day, but I just can't right now. Slowly. I'm astonished that I've made so much progress in six months. Then again, I feel like I should be better by now, but I haven't even talked about or been honest about any of my glaring signs of depression. I don't want another issue looming over my head. It doesn't erase the truth, but actually being diagnosed with it puts a label on me and forces more work onto my shoulders. I'm tired. Fighting to keep eating and keep my streak of not purging is difficult enough.

Todoroki was already ashamed of being labeled as anorexic, so despite the fact that he'd gotten into regularly cutting to cope with his own guilt, he never discussed any of his depressive or self-injurious behaviors with his therapist. He didn't want to be any more of a burden than he already felt like. Coping with his anorexia was enough for him.

My stomach hurts, Todoroki complained to himself as he crawled into his futon. I feel so heavy. I can't remember if I've ever eaten this much before. I feel awful. It's like my stomach sinks lower and lower into my abdomen the more I move. It's so uncomfortable. I feel like throwing up. Ah. Don't think about it. Think about something else. Katsuki. But I can't... Katsuki. I keep thinking about it. Katsuki. Katsuki. He wouldn't want that. But I want it. Selfish. Why am I always so fucking selfish? Why? I should be so much better.