𝙹𝚘𝚞𝚛𝚗𝚊𝚕 𝙴𝚗𝚝𝚛𝚒𝚎𝚜 || 𝙸𝚠𝚊𝙾𝚒

| 05 |

May/23rd/2017

I was wrong.

We really had a winning streak going, nationals was almost guaranteed. Almost.

Then Shiratorizawa came along.

Then I messed up.

I let nerves get in the way of the game, I tried to tell myself over and over again that I was fine, and that everything would go okay, just to play it out like a normal game, but I couldn't.

I fucked this up for all of us, second shot at nationals in a row that we've lost. We were so, so close too. I really wish I played better, I wish I would've just kept my head in the game.

I think everyone's gonna be mad at me, how could they not? I'm their captain and I let everyone down, I screwed us all over and now what? I'm supposed to see them all again like nothing happened?

I can't.

But I can't say anything either, not because I think they'll dismiss my thoughts, but because everyone'll say they're right.

So instead I'll just make up for it the best I can in silence, I've already organized some time during the day where I can get practice in. Same goes with the days during summer break, I'll have more time to practice then, more time to improve; more time to fix my mess.

One of them anyways, I've got a fair share of messes that can't be fixed, and I'm my biggest.

After seeing Mika-san for so long, I've figured out a lot, a lot of flaws, they're really weighing down on me lol. It's kinda hard to find some positives at this point, if I even have any.

I don't really know anymore at this point, I mean, I'm a mess of a person, hell, I can't even seem to process my own failure so instead I push my limits to make up for what's incorrect, and the only thing I have to hide it all is an egotistical mask.

Mika-san helped me figure that out too, or maybe she just pointed it out..?

But how else am I supposed to function, I know how I am to the public eye, especially those in the volleyball community and Seijoh. I'm merely flawless, a person who's purely idol material, and a person who exists without a problem in the world.

I can't not act the way I do, I have to live up to my name, and even surpass it at times, because if I didn't, then I'm not sure who I'd be.

I don't know who I am if not the unstoppable Tooru Oikawa, all I know is, I'd be different; and if everyone already likes me now, why would I give up my act?

Anyways, that's all for today, Iwa-chan's going to be here soon, he said he wants to try and cheer me up.

I really hate seeing him do this, force himself to cheer me up.

I can't help but wonder why, why does he put up with me?

I guess I'll never know.

~Sincerely,
Tooru Oikawa