𝙹𝚘𝚞𝚛𝚗𝚊𝚕 𝙴𝚗𝚝𝚛𝚒𝚎𝚜 || 𝙸𝚠𝚊𝙾𝚒

| 07 |

TW: self harm mentions

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October/18th/2017

Where do I even start this?

I thought things would be okay, I really did, but I was terribly wrong.

Completely ignoring the utter stress and inhumaine pressure I feel crushed by daily, my feelings are making everything a living hell.

I didn't want to accept it but I didn't have a choice, I love him, I know I have for what's bound to be a few years, but, that's not his case.

I know he didn't see me how I see him.

I know he doesn't think of me like I think of him.

Never once have I seen him look at me like I know I look at him.

It hurts.

I took up a nasty habit just to get my mind off of him, it's horrible, especially the guilt that piles up after the fiery pain kicks in, but that pain is a momentary distraction of the shit show I star in.

That few moments of sweet relief where the burning pain makes my head all fuzzy, making my mind go blank and taking away all my thoughts for just a little bit. It's so so worth it. It's worth the guilt. It's worth the pain. It's worth the self-hatred, it's worth it all.

Is it healthy though? Absolutely not.

But what about my life is?

I'm hopelessly in love with someone who'll never see me a more than a best friend, I'm constantly pushing myself further and further to the point where if I even dare stop for a minute, my whole reputation could come collapsing down and I'd have nothing to stand for.

It's scary.

I'm scared.

I don't know what's going on anymore, I barely know who I am at this point. My life's simply become a routine, it's the same thing every day, I do the same things for the same people, and then slowly lose my sense of self more every time I'm alone.

I don't know what to do.

I would ask Mika-san but.. I stopped seeing her. I couldn't let her waste her time on me, there are so many others who could use her help and yet she was focusing on me, so I fixed that.

Now I'm on my own, I'm on my own and it's terrible. I can't tell anyone, they wouldn't understand.

Why?

Because I'm overreacting.
I'm fine, I'll be fine.

I hope.

~Sincerely,
Tooru Oikawa