Dissipate: Book Two

Chapter 30

Sabrina McLain: 

"And what color is this, exactly?" 

Lilly Nicole Porter asked me, 

making a noise in the back of her throat

that made her sound like

a disapproving cat. 

Her face was similar. 

She was holding a bottle

of nail polish 

that was roughly the color

of old guacamole. 

Lilly Nicole Porter was over 

at my house

for a sleepover. 

Baylee was downstairs with 

Mom and Marc

making dinner. 

"It's two-day guacamole colored. 

And before you ask, 

no, I didn't buy it. 

My dad got it for me 

awhile ago." 

I said, amused at Lilly Nicole Porter's 

disgusted face. 

But down a little deeper, 

I felt a little bit of sadness. 

I missed the old Dad. 

The Dad before Jennah died. 

The Dad who would pick me up

and swing me around. 

The Dad who called me 

Brina Bear. 

The Dad who would plop me down 

on his lap 

and bounce his legs up and down 

while we watched 

Jeopardy 

and got all the questions wrong. 

But the Dad after Jennah died? 

The Dad who stayed alone 

in his dark little room? 

The Dad whose depression pill 

bottles covered half 

the kitchen counter? 

The Dad who looked at me

like I was invisible? 

I didn't miss him. 

"Sabrina?" 

Lilly Nicole Porter had put down 

the ugly bottle of nail polish. 

She looked concerned. 

I nodded to show her I was alright, 

but she leaned over

and gave me a 

one-armed hug

anyway. 

********

"So Lilly Nicole Porter..." 

I started to ask her. 

We were lying side by side

on a couch. 

We were about halfway through 

our third episode of 

Gilmore Girls 

and we weren't really paying much attention. 

"Just Lilly." 

she said, turning to look at me. 

"You call me Lilly Nicole Porter. 

You always use my full name. 

But I don't call you 

Sabrina Anne McLain all the time. 

Why do you call me 

Lilly Nicole Porter?" 

she asked. 

I shrugged. 

I'd never really thought about it. 

"You introduced yourself to me as

Lilly Nicole Porter.

So I guess I always think of you as that. 

Because not many people 

introduce themselves using 

their full name." 

I said slowly, 

thinking about my answer. 

"Well just call me Lilly. 

Or Lilly Nicole. 

At least to my face." 

she said, smiling. 

I nodded. 

We watched a few more episodes 

and by the time the end credits were rolling, 

I looked over. 

Lilly Nicole Porter

was sound asleep. 

I turned off the TV

and I turned off the light. 

And I snuggled down 

under the blanket. 

And before I fell asleep, 

I thought about Kyle. 

And his voice bounced around my head. 

"I'm sorry" 

And I knew that soon, I would talk to him 

again. 

And we would figure it all out. 

And as my head was foggy 

with half-sleep, 

I envisioned 

a massive 

wrecking ball 

just smashing into my walls

and breaking them down.