Dissipate: Book Two

Chapter 25

Sabrina McLain: 

Today the sky was grey. 

The snow on the ground had 

melted. 

But flurries fell all day long, 

none of them sticking. 

Lilly Nicole Porter and I 

ate lunch together again. 

When Kyle walked past our table, 

staring straight at me, 

he asked, 

"Can I sit here?" 

and I ignored him. 

So did 

Lilly Nicole Porter. 

I spooned more vegetable stew

into my mouth. 

Lilly Nicole Porter took another

meditative bite

of her grilled cheese sandwich. 

Kyle walked away. 

Lilly Nicole Porter gave my hand 

a squeeze

and for one painful moment, 

it felt like 

Kyle's hand squeezing mine, 

reassuring me, 

telling me it was all going to be

O     K     A     Y.

Well, everything wasn't okay. 

"Are all high school boys

like him? 

Do they all like 

hurting girls' feelings?" 

I asked. 

I expected Lilly Nicole Porter to say no, 

that Bryson wasn't like that. 

But instead she set down her

sandwich. 

And she heaved a great sigh. 

And she said, 

each word heavier than 

a bucketful of bricks, 

"Yeah. Every single guy 

is like that. 

No matter how sweet they are

in the beginning, 

no matter how many promises 

they make, 

no matter how many times

they say they love you, 

they always leave. 

They always manage 

to find someone else

or give 

bad excuses 

for why they 

don't love you anymore." 

Her voice sounded bitter. 

I wrapped one arm

around her thin shoulders

and one of her arms

encircled my waist

and we leaned our heads 

together, 

sharing our pain. 

***

When I was walking home from school, 

I took a detour. 

It was a Friday. 

The sky was resolutely

and beautifully grey, 

making the world below

a dim, but beautiful place. 

I walked along the streets, 

listening to my boots

scuffing against the pavement, 

enjoying the crisply chilly breeze

that blew my thick hair 

off the back of my neck 

and kissed my cheeks. 

I enjoyed the shivery feeling

of the flurries settling onto my scalp

and clinging to my eyelashes. 

My fingers found the hem 

of my scarf

and played with it as my feet guided me, 

my mind elsewhere. 

When I looked up, I was in the

small city garden. 

The grey stone fountain

stood in the middle. 

It was running

and it looked almost as beautiful 

as it had that night. 

It felt like eons ago, 

sitting on the rim

with Kyle

after the dance, 

the feeling of his lips

brushing up against mine. 

Tears heated the backs of my eyes

and they threatened to fall. 

I walked up to the fountain

and sat down on the rim. 

I watched the people walk past

and I remembered how happy 

this fountain used 

to make me. 

Now it was the fountain 

of heartbreak. 

The fountain 

of broken promises. 

***

After awhile, I fell asleep,

lying down on the rim

of the fountain, 

my head using my backpack

as a pillow. 

I dreamed heartbroken dreams. 

When I woke up, it was still grey. 

The snow had stopped falling. 

I got up, 

shouldered my bag, 

and walked home. 

Baylee didn't ask where I had been. 

She could tell by the look on my face

that I'd been reliving happier days. 

I could tell by the look on her face 

that she'd been cutting again. 

Later that night, 

I found blood on the scissors. 

I didn't tell Mom. 

I just washed the blood off

and put them back in the drawer.