This Is Me

15

TW's:
-Homophobia (F-slur)
-Suicidal thoughts
-Mentions abuse

Clay's POV

I left to go home after what happened in school and entered my place as I cried my eyes out. I ignored my dads, although they immediately saw me cry and came closer to me.

I walked around them and walked to the kitchen to prepare myself some tea as tears dropped down on the counter. I hadn't eaten anything today and didn't want to either, I felt like I didn't deserve anything good in this world anymore. I wasn't hungry and didn't care about myself starving to death.

I waited for the kettle to be done and filled my cup with the boiling water as I grabbed mint taste. When I turned around, my dads stood behind me and one of them grabbed my free hand.

'Let me go,' I muttered, having my voice crack because of all the tears I was trying to hold back.

'No, we aren't leaving our son alone, you are crying and you're not okay.'

I wanted to be mean to them, but I couldn't anymore. I had been too mean already and I had felt guilty enough too. Instead, I stared at my dad holding my hand with a small smile on my face. A tear dropped down on his hand and my dad pulled me with him to the couch, sitting down next to me.

'What happened?'

'You're just going to get mad at me,' I mumbled and stood up again. 'I'll go upstairs.'

'Stay here, we can talk about it.'

I stared at my hands and sighed. I didn't know if there was any purpose in hiding this anymore, they would find out eventually.

'I outed George in front of the whole school and hit him. I let him get beaten up after that.'

It was quiet and my dad's hand slipped away as he looked at me. 'Clay, that's way too far. You actually went far over the line there.'

I shrugged. 'I was just sick of it.'

'No, you can't do anything like that. Oh my goodness, I feel so bad for George.'

'I know that already now.'

'I have to punish you for what you've done, Clay. This is not okay at all, give me your phone. You're not going to have a phone for a week and you are going to think about what you've done.'

'No, I will keep my phone.'

'No, you're not going to keep your phone. Give it to us right now, I will take it off you. If you don't want things like this to happen, then you should think before you do something. You're also going to George's house to apologise to them, if you don't do this, I will take your phone for two weeks.'

TW homophobia (F-slur)

I stared at my hands and sighed. 'I hate you, you're all the same. It's just that disease of yours.'

I grabbed my phone and threw it on the ground. 'THERE YOU GO, FAGGOT.'

'Clay, I don't want you using that word ever again.'

'I can use whatever I want.'

'No, you have to learn how to respect people.'

'I won't respect people like you.'

TW over

'Go to your room.'

I was completely sick of it and jumped up. 'Why can all bullies hate on me? Why can they break me?'

'They can't and they were wrong doing that.'

'YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND, I'M DEPRESSED AND I WANT TO DIE.'

'Clay-.'

'NO, I'M SICK OF IT. I DON'T WANT THIS ANYMORE.'

'Calm down.'

'NO,' I screamed as my voice broke. I felt tears streaming down my face as all the pain came out.

'I HAD TO RUN AWAY FROM THE BULLIES, THEY KICKED ME, THEY HIT ME, THEY WANTED TO KILL ME.'

My dads stared at the ground as I kept screaming at them. I knew it was not fair to scream at them, but I had to get all my emotions away.

'I'm so depressed and it's all your fault. If you wouldn't have been gay, then I would have been happy. Then I wouldn't have been bullied and then I wouldn't have been left with such a big scar. I cry every night, I cry myself to sleep. I have panic attacks, I hate myself, but I also hate you.'

'Clay, we can talk about this.'

'WE CAN'T, I have thoughts about suicide for months now. I've been so close to it, but I'm just a pussy.'

'We love you, we don't want to lose you.'

'I got called gay every second of the day, slurs, insults. I got beaten up and hurt. You know, them beating me wasn't even the biggest problem, but the things they said to me were. It hurt me so much, I got called gay all day long. I got told that I was just as sick as them.'

'You could have told us, you shouldn't listen to them. You know what's true and what isn't.'

I looked at them with a furious look in my eyes. 'I know what's true and what isn't, right? What if they were right?'

'What do you mean?'

'What if they were right all along?'

'I don't know what you mean.'

'They were right, dad. They were right all that time. That's why it hurt so much. I was just a fifteen year old, closeted boy, who got sworn at all day long.'

'Do you like boys?'

'They were right all along,' I whispered as I ran to the stairs, smashing the door behind me. I was glad that I finally got those words out, but I was scared as well. I didn't want them to know my secret, but it was still relieving that they did.

I stared at my hands and sighed. Could you imagine what kind of scar that would give you? I was trying to come out since I was thirteen, but I got bullied with my gay dads. I got sworn at, I got hated on. I didn't even tell them the whole truth. The truth that I was gay. The truth that I always hoped to forget so I acted like I was homophobic.

But I didn't, I never forgot. I was still gay with a crush on my best friend, George.

1036 words

Summary:
I'm sleep deprived