This Is Me

17

TW's:
-Mentions homo/transphobia
-Suicidal thoughts
-Mentions abuse

Clay's POV

After I locked myself in my room for an hour, I finally found the courage to go downstairs and apologise to my dads for everything I had done. My outburst helped and I was finally ready to talk about my feelings after all these years.

I slowly walked downstairs and saw my dads sit on the couch, watching television. My one dad had his arm around my other dad and I sat down in front of them without saying anything about it.

'Clay, are you alright?' my dad asked as he turned the television off to look at me.

I rested my elbows on my knees and my head rested in my hands as I looked at the ground. I seemed that I forgot how to speak so I kept looking at the ground, hoping for my dads to start.

'Clay, can you talk to us? What's wrong?'

'I-,' I started. 'I'm sorry.'

'You're sorry?'

'Yes, I'm sorry. I'm so incredibly sorry for everything I've done. I shouldn't have been homophobic, I shouldn't have sworn at you and I shouldn't have used terrible insults and slurs like they are normal. I should have loved you, I shouldn't have screamed at you and I should have told you that I love you. Because I do, I do love you. Both of you.'

My dad stood up to sit down next to me and carefully grabbed my hand. I let him and stared at my hands.

'I'm gay and I know this for four years now. I was getting courage to come out at my thirteenth, but then all the bullying started. I got very scared to come out so I ended up putting on a homophobic mask. It got part of me and it got really easy after a while. It was just an automatism to swear at someone who was gay.'

My dad wrapped his arm around me now.

'I'm actually so depressed, I tried hiding this for a while, but I can't anymore. I cry so often and the suicidal thoughts won't stop anymore. I don't think I would actually commit suicide, but the thoughts are there a lot. I hate myself for everything I have done to people and I wish I could change the past.'

My dads let me speak as they carefully listened to me.

'I like George since I'm thirteen, I realised I was gay because of him. I still like him. Actually no, I love him. I'm in love with George, but I'm way too scared to show that to anyone. George is never going to want me back, so I guess that's over. Do you still love me after everything I have done?'

My dad gave me a tight hug. 'Clay, we have always loved you, because we have always known the reason behind your homophobia.'

'Did you know that I was gay before?'

'We did,' my dad said. 'I'm gay myself and I noticed the way you looked at boys was different than the way you looked at girls.'

I nodded slowly. 'I don't feel attracted to girls at all, but I'm really attracted to boys. It's just dumb and confusing, I don't want to be gay.'

'No one chooses to be gay and a lot of people wouldn't have chosen for it either. You will have to go through the process of acceptance, but we already accept you. We love you and we would never love you any less.'

I smiled and sighed. 'I'm relieved now that secret is out of the way. I dare to talk about it now.'

'This is just a questions, but do you feel one hundred percent boy? Or also a bit different?'

I shrugged. 'I feel comfortable with being a boy, but it doesn't feel like it matches one hundred percent. I have times where I feel a bit off.'

'Have you ever heard of demiboy?'

'No.'

'When you're a demiboy you don't feel like a different gender than a boy, but also not fully connected to being a boy.'

I nodded slowly. 'To be fair, I find that all pretty difficult. I will do some research on it.'

'We are always here to help you.'

I nodded and looked up. 'Are you still mad at me? Do you want to forgive me?'

'We want to forgive you, we aren't mad. I still want you to apologise to George, though. Definitely now I know that you actually like them.'

'I will, but I don't really know how yet.'

'We will think about that together.'

'I can buy him a new dress?'

'That's a good start, did you like George with a dress and makeup?'

I felt my cheeks heat up a tiny bit. I stared at my hands with a small smile on my face and nodded. 'I did. What pronouns do I use for George?'

'George is gender fluid, so you have to ask them for their pronouns. If you don't know what their pronouns are, then use they/them.'

I nodded. 'I'm sorry for using he/him earlier. Can you teach me more about gender fluid?'

'George's gender changes every time. Sometimes they feel like a boy, sometimes they feel non-binary and there are also times where they feel like a girl. Then they dress up and use makeup to feel comfortable and confident.'

'Uh- I have a weird question. Maybe that's not a way to make it up to him at all, but I can at least try.'

'You can ask us everything.'

'What if I wear makeup to school to make him confident enough to wear it too?'

My dad smiled. 'That sounds great. We don't have makeup here at the moment, but I'm going to buy you some so you can wear it to school tomorrow.'

'I don't like wearing dresses myself, but should I wear one?'

'You don't have to do anything you don't like, Clay. If you don't like dresses, you shouldn't force yourself to wear one.'

I nodded. 'Is makeup and a new dress for him enough?'

My dad nodded. 'That sounds great.'

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