Our Scars

The Fear

25

The Fear (Title by Ben Howard)

That night Rianne dreamed of the car-crash again.

How they shouldn't have been driving in that shitty weather, how she had better been on time, how it should have been her who was dead, if Andrea had been able to drive that day like he normally did. How they never had the chance to forgive each other for the fight they had in the car, solve the general difference of opinion they were having about their future. How she would never know if her and Andrea would have made it work until the end, how she had never gotten to meet her son alive and well.

Everything she had talked about in endless therapy sessions, thought she'd found resolve and absolution from came bubbling up in her dreams.

If she had been in denial about her more than serious feelings for Jay until now, this was the time she had finally admit to them.

She wouldn't be in this backwards spiral, if being with him hadn't begun to mean something. It meant more than she ever would have expected and than she had wanted to, but it had happened. He had implanted himself firmly inside her heart and refused to budge.

After Andrea's death she had thought she would never be able to give her heart away again. More precisely put: There hadn't been anything left to give. It had been impossible to look behind this grief and think she could ever feel something for someone else again that was equally deep and consuming.

But knowing why she was avoiding the confrontation with Jay didn't mean she could change something about it just like that and stop being afraid.

Self-analysis without knowing how to move forward really wasn't that helpful.

So even if she didn't know it then, Rianne was lucky that Dr. Daniel Charles paid her a visit, after she had been going on everyone's nerves to get discharged as soon as possible.

Dr. Charles had been off-duty until this morning, but was quickly brought up to speed by his colleagues. He was well acquainted to her case anyway as he had seen her several times in the last years. He had not really been her administered therapist, but more than once the one of Rianne's choosing. She had been equally thankful for and pissed off at his confrontational and honest demeanor. He did not sweet-talk anything and had always spoken his mind, not what he thought she wanted to hear.

"So, it was brought to my attention you want to get discharged. Are you feeling better then? How's the sensation in your legs?" He had walked into her room casually, his outfit as usual:

Glasses hanging around his neck on those ridiculous strings, light grey coat covering up everything he was wearing underneath but the old-fashioned big tie. Rianne sighed, she felt a therapy session coming she hadn't asked for:

"Still not fully returned. The right one's okay, the left is at least tingling. So, I am positive that it will return with time. For all I know this is just in my stupid head. And I am also positive that I can recover more quickly from home. I did spent more than enough time in a hospital as a patient as you well know."

Dr. Charles didn't answer her right away, just acted like he was going over her chart and medical history before he posed another question:

"I hear your episode happened when Detective Halstead was brought in with a gunshot wound. Mind elaborating what he is to you? I am just curious..."

"You don't have to pretend: I know you know that Jay and I have been seeing each other so... just ask what you really want to ask!"

Daniel Charles had never been that good at playing dumb and innocent in her eyes. He always very well knew what was going on anyway.