Our Scars

Everyone Else

59

Everyone Else (Title by London Grammar)

Until now Jay had never understood what it was with everyone dreading Monday mornings or the end of the holidays, the end of a weekend, a vacation, but starting back this year he totally got it.

He had only just begun to get acquainted with a slightly more lazy and relaxed version of himself, had reconnected with parts that had seemed lost and now he wanted to hold on to that version, at least a little bit longer. Jay was curious how long it would have been possible for him to stay that way before he got bored or antsy or into a cycle of toxic thoughts again. Not that his thoughts over the last weeks had all been about sunshine and rainbows. But all in all it had given him a really big confidence boost that he had found himself able to let go a little and dive into different parts of what life had to offer.

On the other hand he was almost sure a few days longer would have done even more serious damage to his brain.

Monday morning on his way to work Jay found himself pretty distracted at first. Whenever his thoughts went back to Rianne and drifted off for a moment he was watching a slideshow of too good to be true moments: Of fooling around on sunny beaches, smudging wet sand onto her back, the feeling of their bodies pressed together under water, water droplets on her long lashes, ocean waves mirrored in her blue, blue eyes.

And they wandered back to this morning and how she had attacked him from behind when he had just been about to step out of the apartment. She had clung to his back, managed to angle herself up, legs wrapping firmly around his waist, lips and nose nuzzling behind his ear.

"What are you doing?"

"Trying to find a way to attach myself to you so you have to take me to work with you..."

She had acted like a koala baby that wouldn't budge.

"You got really strong legs, I give you that..." Jay knew if he had given in to touching her he would have not been able to let go.

So he had kept his hands to himself in his determination to break this attachment spell and make sure he actually left. He had to get his shit together at one point.

"I'm turning into one of those clingy housewives aren't I?" Rianne had mumbled into his neck.

She must have felt him going rigid beneath her, scrambling to get his 'inner detective' back on track, rid him of any personal feelings.

"That's one way to put it..." Jay had wanted to add that he didn't really mind and that he wished he could give into the temptation to be a clingy househusband in return, just pull the covers over their heads and stay home.

But Rianne had already let go, pushing him towards the door, her own resolve to handle this like an adult taking over:

"Ok, enough! Off you go now!"

Then again she had been calling after him to "Wait..." when he had already been half way down the corridor, running a few steps out of the apartment in a half-clothed state to hug him tightly:

"Just one last kiss..."

She had been acting like he was leaving for the war, giving him one hell of a goodbye-kiss, before shoving him down the hallway shouting:

"Show'em how it's done and that you still got it. Go Halstead and all!" Victory fist raised high up in the air, smiling for his sake.

He was aware she didn't really feel like smiling at all. It was only fake bravery and coolness and maybe the war-comparison wasn't too far fetched after all. Jay knew that every time he left for work Rianne was fearing for his life, at least in the back of her mind, possible injury or death their constant companion. And it was especially difficult to get back into this routine after she had had him safely by her side 24/7 for almost two weeks.