Our Scars

Find A Home Out There

38

Find a Home Out There (Title by Alberta Cross)

Moving everything out of the loft wasn't the solution, but it surely gave Rianne a feeling of being less dependable. And being dependable on Jay and him putting up with her, slowly evolved into a state she could tolerate more.

Nate kept blowing up her work phone the following week, blocking his number to get her to pick up, leaving not so nice messages on her inbox, whenever she didn't. Rianne forced herself to not listen and deleted them instantly. It was a little more complicated to get a new number at her office and she would have had to rope in her superiors on this, so she hoped he would eventually get tired of it, if she didn't give him any new ammunition. Rianne had informed her closer colleagues so that they wouldn't give out her schedule and she had made it her mission to spent as much time out of the office as possible. Still he finally managed to catch her in person when she left work on Wednesday. Cursing herself that she hadn't taken Martha up on the offer of leaving together earlier, she flinched when she heard his voice calling out after her as she was taking the steps out of the office building two at a time:

"Really? First that loft raid and now a restraining order? You cannot be serious!"

Rianne tried hard not to show any kind of reaction, not engage, just like Trudy and Jay had drilled into her. She found it wasn't easy to not turn around and throw everything she was hurt and disappointed and shocked about in Nate's face. Inwardly she began counting to keep herself calm.

"Tell me how he brain-washed you Rianne? This just isn't you!" Nate called after her, making several bystanders turn their heads in her direction.

"Don't walk away from me! I'm begging you: Use your head!" He really was making a fool of himself.

As fast as she could without looking like she was running away, Rianne got into her car, parked across the street, only daring to take a deep breath when she had locked herself inside. Nate had followed her, but kept his distance, throwing his arms up in the air questioningly when he caught her watching him through the windshield. His face, outfit, everything on the outside looked the same, but she didn't see the same person anymore. There was so much she didn't understand about him, it was turning her stomach into knots.

Rianne told herself to look away and just close herself off from feeling anything, just start the motor and get herself home.

Jay had been working almost non-stop since Sunday, so she hadn't seen a lot of him. Intelligence had a time-sensitive case on their hands and his hours were off the charts, not really compatible with hers. In hindsight she was even more grateful that they had used the time while he was on medical leave and after to build a more solid foundation. It would have been a little difficult to accomplish the present state of their relationship by never getting a chance to see each other for longer than an hour and live on some stolen moments in between. Monday they hadn't even shared a bed. Jay had crept into the apartment at the break of dawn, when she was already preparing to go to work. They regularly kept in touch over the phone and through texts, Jay still fussing about Nate. He probably had every right to be, but she was a big girl and thought she could handle it. After today's encounter though she wasn't so sure how long she could handle Nate coming at her constantly.

After cleaning up the mess she had made cooking dinner, leaving something in the fridge for Jay later, she finally found the time to put away the last boxes of her stuff. She had tried to not go overboard redecorating Jay's place with her knick-knack. Rianne wanted to keep his clean style as best as she could, yet Jay really didn't seem to mind one bit. At least he never complained about her using up every inch of empty space.