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I hate black dresses. They remind me of dark times full of sadness and regret. What I hate even more is seeing my husband go through something like this.

I was up getting Beck and I ready for the funeral while Nick got ready. He hadn't said a word all morning and I was extremely worried.

I can't stop thinking about it. Death. It's this thing that is constantly hanging over our heads. One wrong move... and your gone.

I finished getting the both of us dressed and I was finishing my hair and makeup. Today was about me being there for Nick. I couldn't allow myself to feel any emotion towards today.

My rapist is dead. One of them. And I have to see him. He is dead and he can't hurt me. I knew that but I was still terrified.

I finished quickly and took Beck with me to go find Nick. I found him sitting on the steps on the back patio. I walked outside and sat next to him.

"Hey babe." I said hoping he would say something, anything.

He was silent. "We have to go. It's time for us to leave." I told him and he just got up and walked inside.

I followed after him worried about what was going on in his mind. We got in the car after I fastened Becks carseat and he drove to the service in silence.

Before he had the chance to get out I stopped him by locking his door and taking his hand. "Please talk. I need you to talk. Just tell me what you're thinking." I begged.

"I'm thinking that not everything is about you Demi. Why are you even here? Just go home!" He yelled at me. I was taken back and dropped his hand instantly.

He got out of the car and slammed the door. What just happened? What did I do wrong? Was I really not wanted? Thoughts ran through my mind and I found myself thinking too long.

I got out of the car and walked around to get Beck who had fallen asleep. I got him out and he slept on my chest.

I walked over to where I saw Sophie. "Hey Soph." I said standing next to her.

"Oh hey Dems! I can't imagine how you feel? How is Nick?" She asked me.

"Uhhhm I'm okay. Nick isn't though. And I don't know what to do." I confessed and she gave me an apologetic look.

"I'm sorry D. I don't know either. Joe is taking it surprisingly well." She told me.

"Well that's good. I think I'm gonna try to find Nick." I told her. She nodded and I walked away.

Now to figure out where he went. I saw him standing alone in the corner, hands in his pockets. He was staring off into space.

"Nick I-" I began but was interrupted by him hugging me and sobbing into my shoulders. "Baby I'm here. I'm always here. I'm by your side through thick and thin." Told him as he cried into me waking Beck up.

"Dada Sad!" He said worried.

"Yeah baby Daddy is sad." I told him. He reached to Give Nick a hug which he gratefully excepted.

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I looked at him. His life less body. A shiver ran through me and I swear I could feel all the places he touched me start to burn.

"Demi are you okay?" Denise asked walking up to me.

"Y-Yeah I'm okay." I said looking over at her.

"But honey you're crying." She said. I wiped my face realizing I was. I looked up at her and tried to smile but failed miserably.

"I'm sorry. I know that I shouldn't be. You should be not me." I said as she hugged me.

"No sweety you have every right to feel. Your feelings are valid, and you went through something horrible that we didn't. I'm always here for you." She told me. I thanked her before I walked away.

The car ride was silent other than the radio on a low volume. A song came on that had me thinking and I hated it. I tried to shake it but couldn't.

"Babe whats wrong?" Nick asked me.

"Nothing. Are you okay?" I asked trying to change the subject and also because I was worried about him.

"I'm fine. I got all my grievance out today. And I know you aren't okay. Talk to me." He said.

I looked over at him as tears filled my eyes. "My mind won't shut up. I'm so tired." I confessed.

Since we were in the car and he couldn't hug me, he held my hand and I held it back. It was silent the rest of the car ride.

ddlovato: hard times make me that much more grateful for you

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ddlovato: hard times make me that much more grateful for you.

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