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four

four

and hyunjin felt absolutely terrible waking up, having a headache that made him see spots in his vision. the more he slept the worse his condition was once he woke up but still he was feeling sleepy, too weak to get up.

he knew it was his own fault, everything was. he was the one to escape his own boyfriend's apartment in the middle of the night while the older had went to the bathroom, leaving hyunjin unguarded.

he was the one who had waited for the bus in the rain with nothing but sweatpants and a t-shirt while it was already late fall, marks of hard metal still visible around his wrists.

he was the one who had barked into chan's apartment, cried his eyes out and eventually passed out in the corner out of exhaustion even if chan had kindly offered him to take a shower or even his clothes.

he was the one to wear himself out to not show minho his weak side until he had collapsed, everything just becoming too much and nothing at the same time. he had been doing so well until that, just fine until he had let his weak, run down self take the control.

and hyunjin hated being seen as weak, he hated it so much.

he always told hyunjin how pathetic he was for being so sensitive. he had told hyunjin to man up. and hyunjin had tried to figure what it meant, done everything to become someone he could love though in the end of the day hyunjin was still the same.

and it had frustrated him, to never be able to be enough. he was continuously trying to change himself to the point where he was having a hard time to recognize himself anymore. he had given up everything, his personality, his looks, his hobbies, even his body for others, letting them create a version of hyunjin they'd accept. and hyunjin was fine with it because that way he could get the validation he so badly craved for, even if it was from strangers or people who only approached him with bad intentions on their minds.

as a result the oh so perfect version of him had been created. that was the version of him that had gotten him the title of being the campus prince. that version of him was liked and envied by everyone, appreciated and accepted.

that version of him had a perfect life and a lot of confidence; perfect face, perfect body, perfect personality, perfect grades, perfect boyfriend and enough money to live comfortably despite still being just a student. and that version of him required a lot of useless work; staying up all night thinking about hairstyles, clothes and make up, not eating for days and exercising despite being in the verge of passing out to stay in shape, studying until falling asleep on the floor, stressing out over the slightest mistakes on his skin and socially exhausting himself from flattering people who truly didn't even deserve it.

but that version of him really had the darkest side if you flipped it around. that version of him was kind and innocent, easily taken advantage of. and there were things that he could never imagine telling anyone about. the touches and stains on his skin, the bruises on his thighs and the hands on all over his body barely left his mind. but he had been silent about it, just like he had been told to do. because that was what he had been asking for, he had been told. and even if the words "pretty" and "good" had insults after them, they were still compliments on their own. and if he wasn't worth any better, he would learn to appreciate them.

still, after a while it all had started to crack, hyunjin too worn up with his perfect life. the whole time there had been rumors and eventually they had reached most of the campus, most of the people close to him, even his boyfriend.

and the night he had asked hyunjin to come over to confront him about them had broken hyunjin into pieces, the person hyunjin thought loved him turning completely against him. and the physical pain he felt that night was nothing compared to how he felt inside.

he made sure hyunjin knew he was dirty, useless and pathetic. he had let them use him, probably even enjoyed it though he didn't believe he was worth enough to figure it by himself, letting others do it for him. and his sense of self-worth had finally been crushed down fully, revealing what he had been told he had became.

and that was why he always called him with degratory and nasty words. because he let him use him, because he had let them use him, because he was just for everyone to use. that was all he was good for.

and hyunjin remembered seeing chan for the first time after the rumors had broken loose, though what chan had yet to tell hyunjin was that he had known all along. hyunjin had never been too great in hiding the fact he was hurt, whether it to be physically or mentally. and chan had seen the marks and the way hyunjin seemed so distant. he had seen the way hyunjin put up an act to convince he was okay, just been clumsy or just completely oblivious of it all.

but that day hyunjin had told chan everything in a desperate need of pouring it all out and definitely ready for chan turning out to be just like the rest or just simply abandoning him completely, even if they had known for years. but chan hadn't done that. instead he had been comforting him the whole evening, staying over for the night and making sure he ate.

and after that night they didn't talk about it anymore because hyunjin had asked so. hyunjin had promised to tell chan if there was something he could do but hyunjin usually kept to himself, even when things got progressively worse and he didn't have the energy to hide it anymore. but he didn't want to hurt chan, knowing that chan was already having a hard time by himself. so hyunjin had eventually learned to lean on himself for support.

and while hyunjin still managed to appear confident and cheerful on the outside, was he completely shattered on the inside. hyunjin was constantly looking for a way out, always collapsing with another dead-end while he was at it. it seemed impossible. and sometimes it became too much, just like it had happened with minho.

hyunjin was certain minho had heard the rumors too, that's why he always had to be a little wary around him, just like he was with changbin, jisung or even seungmin even if they were pretty close. but minho had never mentioned them, not even once.

when he was around minho, he felt safe enough to be more of what he thought he actually was and less what he was trying to be. because minho's aura made it clear he didn't like people like hyunjin and he couldn't be bought with sweet words and looks like the others. hyunjin didn't have to worship the ground around minho's feet to be noticed, in fact, he did the exact opposite to get the older's attention.

it had started by an accident, hyunjin not intending to disrespect minho like that for no reason, just simply doing it because he lost control over himself for a second while having some alcohol in his system and minho might have said something insensitive at hyunjin's ridiculous behaviour around people to send him off the edge.

but hyunjin had found it rather relieving, doing it again and again, finding a way to excuse his behaviour with something like minho's personality that sometimes made him appear as a total dickhead though deep down hyunjin knew minho couldn't be one as chan adored him so much. but eventually hyunjin had felt himself getting attached to it, not always knowing when to stop. and it was obvious he was getting on minho's nerves, that was why they were always on each other's throats.

still, minho never had a crack at the damaged surface, he stayed away from it. no matter how badly hyunjin tested him, even if he went too far, he was always patient in a way. minho never hurt or violated him in any way for messing up the way hyunjin was used to. he was sharp with his words and movements but not in a harmful way. just enough to keep everyone on their toes.

but that didn't make their relationship any easier, it was still as complicated as it seemed from the outside. because they were both grown into it, too stubborn to think outside the box. and the problems they had with each other couldn't be fixed like that if that was ever to happen.