Live To Tell

Memoir

Chapter 9.2

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Passages extracted from Tupac Shakur's personal diary.

April 14th 1994

Don't need no shit like that ever again. Me thinking you going to be sober enough to remember them words you said, I shoulda known you didn't. I shoulda known being drunk as shit gonna make you say things you feel deep down, but youre too scared to admit them when shit is serious. But it's cool, tho, I ain't mad, I could never be. Still my feelings for you are true. I just need to be away for a while.

Shit.. I haven't felt like this before. All this time I thought I was in love with Jada, everythin I did was to somehow protect that part of me. But you showed up and you changed the game. It ain't no Jada in my heart and haven't been for a while. It's you. You consume me so I gotta pull away from you.

I'm in NYC for this shit ass movie. I just wanna finish it already to see ya. I feel like it keeps me away from you, everything keeps me away from you. I love acting, I love being whoever I wanna be so I get distracted by doing my movie and my music. I hang out a lot cuz a nigga gotta move. I can't take you with me to the places I go. You wouldn't look at me the same. Is enough what media shows, I don't want you to see this. Is not who I want you to remember me as.

May 16th 1994

Is your birthday and we just had a party for you. I called out all the boys, I called ma, I call Set, everyone was here. Atlanta feels good when you're around me, you know. New York is sad as fuck cuz I don't get to see them blue eyes.

I loved your face today, so happy you're celebrating your birthday. You're, what? 17 now? Damn you grew up so fast... and so beautifully.

I still recall when I got you in my arms. The most scared eyes that ever looked at me, your tiny heart beating like crazy. Them niggas shooting at our car. Then you passed out and I lost my shit.

And now here we are, two years later, having you growing up on me like I'm a responsible brother. The funny part of it all is that I don't see you as a sister. I tried, at first. But now I can't. You're developing, turning to a woman that I grew to know so well. I know you love me, B... I just don't know why you're afraid to show it.

I'm not going to pressure you. I'd never do that. I'm a crazy nigga, I get in shit all the time, I got people after me, I got federals after me. I could never ask you to put up with my shit when you barely know yourself. Life hit you hard when you lost ya parents you and I wanna make sure you know yourself, know your dreams and your fears, know who you wanna be, do what you wanna do, have your life happening, instead of consuming you with my fucked up life. I ain't gonna live enough to watch you grow old. And that kills me more than my running time.

June 1st 1994

I had the worst motherfuckin nightmare again and this time I didn't have you there with me. I usually sneak in your room when I run into shit like this but I'm in New York, and you're home in Atlanta. I can't reach you not even if I want to.

I remember Yaki told me you got a new guy who's your boyfriend or something... why you doing this to me, Brooke? I can't buy this shit, I can't take it that a poor lil white dude is gonna take you away from me. Fuck, I'd give up my fame and career right now to just have you with me. I would if you'd ask me but you would never do that cuz you're kind like that. You kind, beautiful woman you takin all my crap and you don't even get mad. All these fucking hoes I fuck with I hate their guts. Cuz they aren't like you... and this role I gotta play, this bad motherfucker I gotta be to survive don't allow me to have a girl like you. I gotta keep you with me, buried in me.