Live To Tell

Memoir

Passages extracted from Tupac's letters to Brooklyn while he was incarcerated in Clinton Max Facility.

January 1995

Baby blue,

I'm reaching you out so I can take my mind off things while locked up in here. While you're sleeping in that bed they snatched me away and locked me in this cage to go nuts like a sucka. I am trying to bear with everything while I pray day and night for you to wake up and be alright. I take blame for everything and I'm trying not to blow my brains out. Everything that happened recently is a straight devotion from your part and love I could never pay back. You are definitely my God's gift on this earth and I'm treasuring you with every breathe I take.

Is hard to not blame myself when I know is all on me. I let you close to those motherfuckers, I let myself close to them and they shot you. They harmed the only purity I have in my life. I don't think I could ever explain the strong need I feel to take you in my arms and to hug you to me. I love you I am doing my best to stay strong just please keep fighting, because without you I have no reason to live.

February 1995

Blue,

I heard from ma today that you moved your hand and the doctors give you chances to get better. That's a huge relieve for me. While I'm trying to survive in this cage, I know you're fighting to come back to life and that's enough motivation for me to keep going. I sent letters to everybody, I'm trying left and right to get out of here before it's too late, just to be with you. I asked another permission to come see you, but they just won't let me go and that's fucked up.

Prison life is hell. Certain time to wake up, certain time to eat, to shit, to shower or to sleep. It's insane, is hell. My spirit is caged, is dead... I can't write a single rhyme, I can't write a song, it's like inspiration left me, and my only gift has been taken away from me. I'm writing you letters every day and I'm sending them to you so when you're up, you can read them and feel me close cuz I didn't leave your side. I never ever left, baby, ok?

While being here in prison, I gotta watch my back from niggaz who want to play funny to phony guards that play smart on me. I'm trying to stay safe so I can be good and come home to you in one piece. I'm done crying...

Nah, I'm lying. I'm crying every night cuz I still can't digest everything that happened. I got all your photos on my wall next to my bed and every time I close my eyes I picture you in my arms again. I can't believe it's been 3 months since I haven't seen your blue eyes... heard your laugh... your beautiful voice... They wiped that smile I adore so much.

I'm even crying right now as I try to find my composure to stay strong but I need you Brooke... I need you more than anything, I'd give my life in jail to see you open your eyes again. Just please keep holding on and come back to life, come back so l can see you again. At least one last time.

March 1995

Blue,

l got some news! I was visited by a lot of people while l've been in here, some would try to help with a good word, some would put lawyers and shit for me to get out. I appreciate everyone's support and I got nothing but love for them.

But there are some motherfuckers that been telling me l was set up. Everything l was paranoid about came true. Biggie and Puffy set up the shooting. That bitch I didn't rape but they say l did, had connections with Haitian Jack and all those motherfuckers l used to hang out with in New York. It was all because niggas want me dead! I don't know why and l don't seem to understand what l've done for motherfuckers to want my head but it looks like it's on. IT'S ON AND I WON'T STOP UNTIL I SEE THAT FAT MOTHERFUCKER BURN IN HELL AND HIS BITCH ASS PUFFY TOO. All of those motherfuckers are going down because they touched you.

They touched you, the only innocent and pure person in my life, you never hurt nobody, and you got love for everyone. For that ugly ass bitch Lil Kim, you even considered her a friend and look what they did to you. You got a heart of gold, Brooke, you are so angelic and so pure but l ain't. l'm damned and l'm going to show those motherfuckers l ain't to be fucked with!

I'm plotting and plotting and analyzing, l'm reading, l write, l work out, l stopped fighting with the guards because they stopped fucking with me. I gained a lot of homies here in jail! I wish you knew how Mexicans are feeling for a nigga. The showed love just like Angelico do, you know? These Latin niggas are real loyal, l'm going to make it good for them when l get out. I won't forget about nobody who showed support, l got love for everybody. But the most love I feel is for you. Every night I play it over and over in my mind how you jumped in that bullet for me. It's insane, I never thought a person could be so selfless. You teach me how to be a better man each day and l am so grateful I got you in my life. I love that I didn't turn my back on you when you ran to me back in the day. But how could l? Your eyes already captivated me.

I love you, please wake up soon. We got stuff to do... a world to run.

I'm waiting for you.

When these cold walls turn dark

When the sun goes to sleep

I stay woke both in my spirit and my body

I love the panther's pride but

I love the innocence I was given

So don't you go to the light!

When the only salvation is in us

I breathe, you breathe

I cry, you cry

I die, you stay

And conquer.

April 1995

It's your birthday soon and you still didn't open them pretty eyes yet. I start to worry, Brooke. They keep you still, yet you still don't want to open your eyes and come back to me. You turn 19 soon.... I remember like it was yesterday how we met and everything we went through. I got a new tattoo in here, it's for you. I got a crown and your name on my forearm because you're my queen. When l'm out this bitch, l'm going to make you my queen with papers and everything.

But I need you to wake up! Wake up, and laugh and smile and get better and God l'd stay here 4 more years just to see you breathing again! Ma told me you're stable but you don't wanna wake up. I hope you do, I hope the warm light that surrounds you is not as strong as our love. I know I'm selfish right now and I want you to come back in this damn world, but I love you, I lose focus without you. I will try to be a better man, protect you more and love you the most. More than I already do. In my heart is only one woman and that's you.

Me, l'm doing good in here. I got cigarettes and even extra time to shower. Food sucks, but at least it's warm and shit. I hear people die every day around here, yesterday they found a guy dead in a cell, I was just talking to him the other day. He was in here for drug issue, not even crime or some. And now he dead. They killed him like he didn't matter. I'm good, though. No one touched me, I'd take em to me if anything, you know I ain't no bitch.

Madonna wanted to visit me some weeks ago, by the way. I turned that shit off, press was all over it and I ain't getting no benefit out of her visit anyway. I'm not about that life anymore. I called Jada but looks like she still ain't talkin to me. She thinks l did it. I don't blame her.

I hear news from everyone, but not from you and it kills me. I keep on praying and you better keep on hanging in there!

Get up from that bed, blue. We got stuff to do. I got plans and you're in all of them. I love you senselessly.

Yours eternally,

Pac.

PS. I'm telling you a secret, no one knows yet. Suge Knight, remember him from the New Year's party? He keeps visiting me. He might get me out. I'm thinking about it, we keep going back and forth and negotiate. We might change coasts soon and start a new shit. Next lever. Stronger. Just us two. Fuck the enemies! I'm building that kingdom with you.