Live To Tell

Memoir

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Passages extracted from Tupac Shakur's personal diary.

 

September 9th 1993

 Brooke, the days pass and with them so goes my short time living on this world. I have so much shit to do and I feel trapped in these troubles I'm getting in. I got you with me everywhere I go, mentally you're there and each time I'm cussing them white folks out, I pray you'd forgive me. Cuz I don't mean to let it out on you, I'm not holding shit against you, because I raised you, I watched you grow and you're now living inside me like my second nature. I'm touring and getting in all shit and causing troubles cuz that's what a nigga does. I'm nobody's and I'm trying to survive, Brooke. It's crazy how they on me for nothing, it's crazy how they shove me in jail for nothin'. I need to calm down, I need to see you more cuz you're the only one that keeps me on the line. Like that week I've spent with you, I never been calmer. I need to bring you in my life to ease me up, so I asked you to move in so you can handle me, so I can have you.

 

 

October 11th 1993

 FUCK everything, I don't need your white ass around me. I don't need shit but my damn self, I'mma make it on myself. Fuck them motherfuckin cops bustin on me just cuz they can. I don't need them bitches telling me shit, I got no love for nobody but my people. Fuck the day we met, fuck everythin' I don't need this shit right now. I need to be with my people, doin my shit, getting my money so I can shove their smiles up their white asses. I'mma show 'em... They think they can do me, they think they can shove a thug down, but they can't. Im comin for everyone who's against me and my people Imma ride them till they recognize me. I'm down with the thugs cuz they help me grew up, they was there. You wasn't, you ain't nothing but a fucking ghost haunting my brains out. I got my girl Keisha, Imma marry her, Imma build my family AWAY FROM YOU. You belong to them, not with me. Get outta my head, get outta my heart, I don't wanna love you, I don't wanna feel shit, Im a straight nigga with love for my women, not for a white girl. I won't fall in their trap, I won't join their world, I'll never fit in your white world. I'mma fuck them white bitches to get my revenge out... cuz I can't touch you, and I don't want to. Fucking Brooklyn Adams had to come and fuck my life over. Had to screw a nigga up(...).

 

 

December 23rd 1993

 You just left my room after we stayed up all night and just talked. I talked and you listened and I could let it all out, everythin' I had on my chest I let it out for you. I told you about my fear of dying young and you said that's just my ambition pushing me to do more, defeat my limits. Never thought about this before... You give my life a new meaning. And I'm so thankful for that, because you were given to me to see that this life of sin ain't that bad if I look to the positive side. But these motherfuckers keep pushin me on the wrong way, and thank Lord you're here to keep me straight.

I know I said some stuff I shouldn't, but they are just my demons screamin out. These demons wanna cage my feelings, my spirit, my pride... Im damned, but you make it so easy to bear them.

'I think you're just a little boy, who wants the world to play with. Like, you're this little kid in a candy store, and you want the biggest candy, you can't even handle it, but you want it. That's what you are, Pac..'

That's what I am, Brooke. I'm a lil nigga who wanna play with big things, but you're the other lil baby with whom I wanna share them with. I have you here with me and everything's better. I don't care no more, I don't care you're white, youre human and this damn cursed world needs to see what love can do. I still love my people, I still do everything for them... but I wanna do them all with you.