Live To Tell

Memoir

Chapter 4.2

●

  Passages extracted from Tupac Shakur's personal diary.

 November 21st 1992

 Damn... Ever since you came around here I'm thrilled. You, and your damn white flesh, with them sky blue eyes and your bright smile. I've never seen someone to look so close to God like you do. The night I met you must have been some sort of luck 'cuz I feel like you're not here to walk by. I wanna keep you, but I wanna push you away at the same time. What the fuck is happening, only you got the answer, and I'm so shallow to even ask it. I gotta stay away, everyone's asking questions. Who are you, girl? What do you want from me? I'm a thug, ain't nothing to see here. Yet you look at me as if I'm a saint, as if I make sense to you. Do I? I gotta get loose, I gotta figure you out, but you're so simple, it's almost stupid to even try. You come from that privileged life, where ya didn't cry from hunger. I'm glad you didn't 'cuz I'd never want to see you cry. I'm from the opposite, you know? I'm from a part of life where nothing's plain, where struggle raised me. See the difference? I gotta stick in here; I wasn't born to taste the flavor of happiness cuz I'd get addicted. My roots are what I was born for, I gotta defend what's been destroyed by those who raised you so beautifully. But I'm not holding shit against you, you're way too pure, you don't even know half of things I do. I need to keep you safe, by keeping myself away, so don't ask why you don't see me around. Cuz I'm around you, everywhere you are. I'm there, B. ...

 

 March 9th 1993

 I'm trying to fill up each part of me with pieces that match. I'm hanging out, I'm working on my music, I'm doing my movie like I'm supposed to, yet you're still there in the back of my mind. I started seeing things differently because of you. That talk we had, about how you think stars above are holes in Heaven and each soul has its own lil' hole to look at their loved ones, it gave me an unexplainable peace inside. Cuz if it's true, then when I'm gone from this world, I'mma get my place to watch you shine down here. I don't know why, nothing's the same anymore. I can't even look at women the way I used to. You are getting under my skin, little by little. How am I supposed to keep my roughness when you made this nigga melt? It's wrong or right, only Lord knows, but I can't choose my feelings. I wanna get married; or get involved with someone my kind so I can not feel the dirty looks people already give me. I'm dating this woman she got nothing on you. I'm doing it for the media, cuz I'm in a lot of shit anyway. I'm apologizing if I'm not coming around more often, but ma telling me you're fine is enough for me to breathe. 

When I saw you on the set of the movie, all grown up, with your sunny hair and those eyes that get me each time, I froze cuz now you not only took my memory, but you take my breath away.

Ma knows. She sure knows something's going on... But I know she don't want me to mess with you. Only cuz you're up there and I'm down here, and I must confess I could never bring myself to hurt you. You're so small, Brooke, so fragile I'm scared to approach you. I wanna look from distance and paint you for eternity because your purity indemnifies my life of sin. I've done a lot of wrong things, and I sure will do few more, but you won't be one of them. Not even when I'm high, not even when I'm dry, I won't hurt what was given to me to shelter.

  

  June 17th 1993

I'm weak. As tough as I try to look on surface you kicked the thug outta me, maybe because you're under the surface, deep within like you're drowning in my ocean. I don't know if I can save you, though. I'm keeping you inside cuz it feels warm and safe for you. I started to grow paranoid, all this shit I got myself in, with the cops and stuff, with the thugs and how fast things exploded for me in such a short time. I'm scared I might end up like Elvis or shit. I don't wanna die yet, I didn't do half the things I wanna do, but I keep having nightmares. My boy Biggie says I'm nuts, but I know I ain't, cuz I'm looking in your blue eyes and see myself charged to rule this world, to make it better for all of us. I started smoking more and ain't a damn thing changed, your presence is more vivid. Like that time I played with your damn shirt. I was high as fuck but you didn't mind. Ya set with me on the couch and we talked, even though there were my cousins, we ignored them motherfuckers. Ya had that loose shirt, with your naked shoulder showing and I didn't like how those niggas looked at you. So I kept pulling your shirt and it didn't want to stay as I put it and we'd ended up in a war of dressing codes. You're crazy, girl. Never seen someone to look so cute when she argues.

 My mind recalls our lil moment yesterday on my birthday. I gave up on all my shields when you've given me the present. You already got me with your hair died black, to get me insane even more. Sometimes I wonder if you even know how much you started to mean to this nigga. But the chain you gave me it's a symbol of your loyalty and I'll take it with me wherever I go. Nothing means more to me than someone who shows their support and coming from you? As I said, I'm weak... I gave up, I kissed you. But Lord knows that with that kiss, I called you mine.