snapchat 2.0 | han jisung ✓

40

i stared ahead at the wall, lightly rapping my pen against the table. my notebook was open, smudged thoughts screaming at me. words, lyrics, everything i was feeling. i chewed on my lip. why now?

why after all this time was i having these thoughts?

tears pricked at my eyes, and at that moment, i wanted to scream. i refrained. i blinked, refusing to let myself cry.

i pulled my phone out and the screen lit up. i scrolled through my notifications, realizing i had messages from ashton. i sighed, hitting the lock button on the side of my phone. i put it facedown on the surface, not wanting to feel tempted.

why am i ignoring her? it's not like she had done anything wrong. this was on me so why?

i missed her like crazy. text messages and early morning phone calls were starting to feel like it wasn't enough. was it enough for her? she was over six thousand miles away. across an entire ocean.

i won't lie, it's not easy. i constantly want to be with her, want to feel her arms around me. but that can't happen. i'm an idol, this is the life i wanted and i have responsibilities. i cant just stop doing what i love just to go be with her.

i shook my head at myself. that was no way to think.

ashton loves me and i love her. she would never make me choose between her and doing what i love. but still, i can't help but have these thoughts.

what if it becomes too much? we already have to hide our relationship simply because i'm an idol and my dating ban hasn't even been lifted. but i know it has to be frustrating for her.

i know she wants to go on dates and be like a normal couple. but that can't happen. and she deserves everything she wants. she deserves better.

she deserves someone who is going to give her all their time. someone who will actually be able to be there for her. it kills me when she's feeling down and i'm not able to be there.

i love her. i only want the best for her. and i'm just not that.

my phone vibrated, bringing me out of my thoughts. i flipped my phone over. there was another message from ashton. i need to message her back.

just tell her how you feel. no, i can't. i know she'd understand but i didn't want to put that much of a burden onto her shoulders. she already had so much she had to deal with.

she deserves to know. yes, but this would hurt her. if she knew what i'd been thinking about, it would hurt her.

my phone started ringing with a call. it was ashton. i locked my phone, ignoring the call.

what is wrong with me? why am i acting like this? i sighed, rubbing my hands harshly over my face. i leaned back in my chair and looked up at the ceiling.

i played with the ring on my finger. the ring ashton got me. i sighed again.

"hey, you ready? it's getting kinda late," chan said, popping into the studio. i looked at him, nodding. late didn't even cover it. it was nearly 2 in the morning. his head tilted. "you all right?"

"yep," i replied. i quickly shut my notebook and shoved it into my bag. i pocketed my phone and looked at him again. "let's go."

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just a heads up, 2.0 will be ending very soon