Purest Love (Lan Zhan POV)

Hope

Current age: 25

I look at the ceiling of jingshi, a place with pin-drop silence. It is already 9 pm, but I couldn't close my eyes even for the sake of our sect rules which I have followed for almost 16 years of my life. For the past six years, I tried to follow my sect rules. I am their trained top disciple after all, but I failed, just like I failed someone.

At around 2 am I feel myself drifting off to a place where I can meet the one person I want to reach out to but couldn't in this world. I try to not distract myself, to have an uninterrupted sleep with a beautiful dream.

*****

I hold his hand as I try to pass the non-existing spiritual power within me. "Wei Ying, open your eyes," I tell him. I am surprised at how despairing my voice is. "Please open your eyes and look at me," I beg, disregarding who I am. I grip his hand tightly in fear that he would disappear if I don't. I focus on his furrowed eyebrows and closed eyes waiting for him to open them. For him to come back to his senses, I wait patiently, begging him in a whisper.

"Get lost," he says, his voice losing all of the innocence I have seen in the past years since I met him. This is roughly the 90th time he told me to get lost. If I leave him alone now, I am sure I will be lost for the rest of my life.

"Wei Ying, please open your eyes," this is the 90th time I am begging him to open his eyes. I know in a while my brother will find me. I would have no choice but to go with them. I hold his hand and start whispering the things I have never said to him before. "Wei Ying, You have always thought that I can't stand you, but you don't know it is just the opposite of what I feel. I love you, and I regret not standing by your side in yesterdays battle. Open your eyes and call my name. I will leave all of this and go with you anywhere you want and let us live by ourselves. I am not sure what is right, but I don't want to leave your side...I...I.."

"Get lost,"

Without my permission, a tear trailed down my left cheek, followed by others on the right side. I blink my eyes swiftly, not knowing how to control my mind. For the first time, I couldn't control myself even after trying to calm down. "Wei Ying," I whisper. "Please," I stop transferring my spiritual power, saving some for when it is needed to escape.

I remove my forehead ribbon and place it on his palm, which is kept open by me. He clenches it tightly but still didn't open his eyes to look at what it is. What will be his reaction when he finds out that I have presented him my ribbon on my own? Why didn't I do this when he was by my side? Why didn't I follow what my heart clearly said?

I kneel down beside him and kiss his brow lightly. I start recovering my spiritual power. My brother will come in some time now. I have to save Wei Ying from them, from this world...

*****

I wake up to see the same ceiling, but it is not even the time to wake up. I just lie down to think about what I should have done for the dream to have a happy ending. If only I have said that I trust Wei Ying more than anything, maybe the scenario would have been different. I trace the scar on my chest, the only remembrance I have of him with the memories we shared mixed with my own creativity.

"A-yuan, when did you come into this room?" I look at my side to see a not so small Lan yuan staring at me intensely. I sit up straight, asking him why he is in my room with my eyes.

"You were crying, dad, again," he says with a look mirroring mine. I took him out of the burial mounds when he was around 5 years old, on the brink of his death.

"Do not call me dad. We all have our titles," I tell him, effectively ignoring what he said. It isn't that I don't like him calling me dad, but if uncle hears him calling me dad, it will put A-yuan in a rather complicated situation.

"Why are you here?" I try again. "Bad dream," is all he says for me to understand instantly. I stood up from the bed and took a small cot, prepared for this specific nine-year-old. I pat it gently. A-yuan understands what I meant, as he jumps into the bed and sleeps comfortably in a short time, completely forgetting about his enquiry on why I was crying.

I take my zither and leap up to the roof of where I had my first swordfight with Wei Ying. I play inquiry, in hopes, I would get a reply from him but to no avail. I take my flute and play the song I have once played for him in hopes of him listening to this and finding his way to reach me, but this also was a failure.

I look down at the ground, right at the spot where I broke one of his favourite emperor's smile, a small smile tugging at my lips. It seems all I am doing these past few years is 'Hope'.