Purest Love (Lan Zhan POV)

Regrets

I close my eyes to rest for a while after reminiscing the best part of my past...meeting Wei Ying. It hurts that I can't see his smile, so pure and carefree, sometimes so fake but real. I think no one took time to know, when Wei Ying smiled, whether he was really happy or he was mind washing himself to be happy for others who surround him.

I take a deep breath to calm my heart beat. People have always thought that I hated him, even Wei Ying himself thought I hated him, but they were all wrong. It was my mistake to lead them to think that. I have always been indifferent to anyone surrounding me, but when he suddenly entered my life and started teasing so much so that I can't even retort, I unconsciously choose to defend myself against his tactics...my biggest regret in life.

If only I was a normal child who could express my emotions, I wouldn't be suffering right now. I would still have him by my side, maybe we would have been more than friends. Or maybe we would just be friends, but either way I would have been there beside him.

I close my eyes as I know it is 9pm now. 

*******

I see myself in the Nie clan. The time we were fighting a war against the Wen clan. When Wen clan was there at their peak, they destroyed many clan happiness. Cloud recess was burned, Jiang Wanyin lost his parents and most of the disciples and so on. After this happened, I didn't know what really happened, but Wei Ying changed totally.

From his personality to his cultivation method, everything changed. He used corpses to take his revenge and it was in a very gruesome way. We have actually started having conflicts on this matter. 

Wei Ying in the past was always pestering me to be by my side, but when he said me to not interfere in his business my heart broke and my temper raised. I couldn't get a grip on my emotions. 

This led to us having many conflicts, of him telling me to mind my own business and me trying to subtly advise him. This scene in particular, I remember it clearly. That day morning, he and I had a misunderstanding. He thought I have said something I shouldn't have, to his shijie, when his shijie stopped me to have a talk.

I walked away before I lose my temper for being falsely accused. I was angry because Wei Ying thought that I would speak about him at his back. Wei Ying followed me in a few minutes. "Lan Zhan, Lan Zhan," he called out in a hurry to stop me. I turned around and like the first time we met, I started attacking him without warning. I kept my pace steady, but Wei Ying felt difficulty in defending my normal attacks. After few of my moves, my sword was there, pointing right at his neck. If only I move forward, I can kill him in one move.

I have never seen Wei Ying in that state. Never expected him to be slow in a fight and never expected  him to look so peaceful to die by my sword. He could fight fiercely for a jar of emperors smile, but he couldn't to save his own life?

Seeing this, my mind turned complicated. What really happened with Wei Ying? What really happened in the three months he disappeared?

Knowing that I have never initiated a conversation to understand him, and judging him in a whole by the books I have read on rights and wrongs, I felt more complicated. I have never been in a situation like this. 

I am afraid to lose him, my only friend . He is my soulmate.

"Lets talk," I state and he looks at me in relief. "We haven't seen each other for months and your sword skill improved so much," he praised me with a grin. I sigh not really understanding if he is being sarcastic. 

This sword skill was the same moves I used on him the first time we met. Not wanting to make him lie and create a story about how he forgot or giving him a chance to tease me with how I remember even this, I just said "You just didn't improve." He laughs at my retort. I know that isn't a real one, it was more in a mocking way and I know it was him mocking himself.

We sat ourselves on the rooftop, in the moonlight and in silence, it felt so peaceful. "We have met like this on a rooftop for the first time," he says as he silently gaze at the stars. He looked beautiful as he sat there, with his posture not so right according to our clan rules, but it didn't bother me at all. "We fought," I state though I was happy when he said it like that.

He laughs as he shakes his head muttering, "Lan Zhan ah Lan Zhan". I look at him silently as I wait for him to continue. "I know you are worried about me, but I promise you that I am not practicing demonic cultivation, more like crafty tricks...." he explained a whole lot on his cultivation method and I was grateful to find that, it was not an evil way of cultivation. 

But, "This new method. It depends on your mind," I state and he nods his head as he spins his bamboo flute with his long slender fingers. He looked majestic sitting in this rooftop as if he owned this place. "It may affect your whole body and you may get possessed by evil," I continue though I was clearly distracted by his presence. He looks into my eyes trying to read me, it has always been difficult for people to read me, only brother does. 

Is it wrong for me to think about kissing him now as he gazes at me intensely?

"Believe me, I promise not to go down the demonic cultivation and I won't allow anything wrong to happen," he states as he looks into my eyes. His hand hoisted up in the air by showing the promise symbol. I was lost there for a moment. "Do you believe me?" he asks earnestly. I know he didn't have a talk about this to anyone else. So he was quite unsure as he waits for my answer. 

Do I believe him? Wholeheartedly.

I nod my head and avoid his eyes in fear of losing myself in them again, by doing this my gaze settles on his lips. Satisfied by my answer, we sat down doing nothing, enjoying each others presence for a while before he jumped down. 

"Let me help you," I raise my voice for him to hear and I was thankful he accepted my offer. 

But I failed yet again.

I open my eyes staring at the wall of the cave coming back to the present. It is a nightmare, yet it is not, as I at least got a chance to spend some time with my Wei Ying. 

Wei Ying gave me a lot after we met. From making me understand that sometimes it is okay to break the rules to teaching me it is okay to go against everyone to do what is right by your heart. Him being just there gave me more happiness. He can find answers even in my silence. He has protected me and helped me more than in one instance. 

In the Xuanwu cave, without him I wouldn't have survived. My mental state that time was not good. I marked him with my bite mark because I was jealous a maiden gave her herb pouch to him and also he took a burn mark to his chest for her. I not only bit him for that, I also stole the pouch he had hid in his robes.

 I was unrestrained at the time. I let him lay on my lap, without his knowledge and I sang a song for him when he requested it. I may have looked indifferent, but those days though they were horrible, was the time I fully understood my heart. 

I loved Wei Ying and anything that happens to him will directly affect me too. I was scared to death that something will happen to him when he entered the shell of the tortoise when we were planning to kill it, but I was filled with pride when we succeeded. I was tortured by seeing Wei Ying with fever and I still remember what I wished at that time. 

I wanted to protect him at any cost and also if it happens Wei Ying is in danger, I would take his place without regret. 

When I think about what I have given him, there really was nothing but failures. If only I get one chance to be with him again...I close my eyes to prevent the tears from falling. Do I even have the rights to cry? I have never cried in my life, but this yearning for him is so unbearable.