Purest Love (Lan Zhan POV)

Out of My Mind

After a whole night of punishment, a disciple has announced uncles permission for me to go to my room. "Lan yuan, you are here again," I state, as I take a seat in my cot opening a book I have yet to read. He nods his head slowly. "Does it hurt? Taking punishment whole night," he asks in a voice filled with pain. I take a look at him from above my book, his gaze solely on my knees. 

I sigh. "It doesn't,". This is nothing compared to how many times your ge got punishment here and also in his own sect. He doesn't look convinced but he stopped pushing it. "You were smiling when you were unconscious yesterday," he adds. I am not sure whether he wants to question me or he just wants me to know this, so I kept quite allowing him to talk.

"Are you not eating?" I ask him after a long time of silence. I know it is the time for breakfast now. If he misses it, he should directly go to class and he will have to wait till lunch. "When was the last time you ate, hanguang jun?" he retorts making me purse my lips. 

"You didn't eat yesterday, I am not sure about day before yesterday and today you are planning to skip breakfast now," he points out. I allow him to talk as I concentrate on the book I have. "Lianfang zun is here," he adds. I nod my head letting him know that I heard him. "He is talking about a sword named 'suibian' which belonged to Yiling Patriach," he says as he observes my expression closely.

My face didn't show a thing, but my fingers reflexively clenched the book tighter. "Out," I tell Sizhui, my voice tight. He nods whispering a sorry and walks out leaving me alone.

Suibian still belongs to my Wei Ying.

 Jin Guangyao is brothers sworn brother, my brother trust him a whole lot whereas me, I still have my doubts. Though my brother rarely trusts someone, he will trust them wholeheartedly once they gain his trust. But Nie Mingjue, the other sworn brother who is dead now, never blindly trusts anyone.

Before his death, he believed Jin Guangyao to be somewhat wrong and Jin Guangyao was the only one present when he was about to die. Without evidence, I won't accuse him, but I have my fair share of doubts. He was a passive participant leading to Burial Mounds seige, but I am not sure how passive he was behind the scenes. 

Jin clan have contributed for many things against Wei Ying,  in manipulating Jiang Wanyin, manipulating the other smaller sects. Though I was confused and scared about Wei Ying whereabouts, I remember every small detail that led to Wei Ying's death. Jin clan was scared...scared of Wei Ying's power, if he wished to become the chief cultivator he would have been one by now.

Should I start researching about this? But what is the use, people will not believe a traitor as me.

Am I going to live my whole life living in this room? What is my next step? What should I do?

As I stare at the book in my hands, I suddenly find myself having no idea on what to do with my days...

"Hanguang jun, Sir requests your presence," a disciple says from outside my room. I affirm that I heard him and I will be there as I get ready. I take a step out of my room, thinking to myself I missed something. Disciples who have been walking around me all stopped doing what they were doing, staring at me with their mouth open.

Not knowing what stirred this, I reach uncles room. "Uncle," I bow as I enter his room. "Wangji...you...you...what is the meaning of this?" his voice gradually rises as he finishes. I look at him in confusion. Did I do something? Is it about yesterdays incident?

"Where is your forehead ribbon?" he asks, trying to calm himself down. I touch my head to know it is missing. That is what I missed. I calmly put my hand down. "In the room by mistake," I tell him in a neutral tone. 

"Wangji," my brother sighs as he looks at me. "A-yao has come here to inform us about the yearly clan meeting. He wishes for us to be there," he informs, his gaze set on the place my ribbon ought to be. Jin guangyao stands beside him with a small smile as he looks at me patiently. 

"I am not going," I tell him firmly. Uncle looks at me with shock written all over his face. "Is this the way you speak to elders?" he asks irritated by my response. "I am not going, brother," I tell him once again as I stare at the ground. "I once left the room in the middle. Other sect leaders made a rule of not allowing anyone again if they got out of the room that day," I add for explanation.

Jin Guangyao takes his time to think while my brother stands silently beside him. "It is not a problem Hanguang jun. That rule was made for the lady in anger, it does not apply to everyone, especially you," he says in a overly pleasant voice. 

"I am not going anyways," I tell them again. I bow to my uncle and my brother before I walk out towards my room. When I was about to enter my room, a hand stretches out in front of me handing me a bowl of soup.

"Have some, Hanguang jun," Sizhui says with his head bowed. Is this his way of apologizing? I can't help but give him a small smile. "How was your class?" I ask him taking the bowl from his hands. 

"Bo- it was good," he says and shakes his head in deep thought. "It was boring. I shouldn't lie," he says convincing himself. I nod my head without any reaction.

"Are you practicing your notes?" I ask him as we stand in front of my room. He nods his head strongly. "I have practiced day and night without missing a day," he says. "Good," about to enter the room, I stop myself.

"Learn everything properly. I may go into seclusion myself for cultivation," I add making him speechless. 

"For how long, Hanguang jun?"

"Till I get stronger," I state.

Till I get stronger, I have to practice my cultivation. My mind is all over the place, my heart is not here with me at all. I am not yet sure about what is reality and imagination. I question myself whenever I wake up, whether Wei Ying death is all a dream.

I should come in peace with what happened. I should look forward to meeting him, but with a right state of mind. 

I am not sure what Sizhui saw in my face, but he nods his head without questioning anything.