underneath the lights || hsmtmts

disney princess | ashlyn introspection

ashlyn was playing the ingenue this time around, the lead, and while big red definitely did not seem to have any understanding of why, she was decidedly rather insecure in her receipt of the titular role. going into auditions she'd anticipated getting mrs. potts and continuing the path she'd been set on in the fall of the motherly roles. it was where she had come to the conclusion she could fit into theatre.

miss jenn had seen something in her, and she was grateful, but that didn't make it much easier for her to step into the spotlight this way. usually, she would turn to ej to confide in when she had theatre related problems or questions, but this was definitely out of his depth. ashlyn wonders sometimes if ej is ever insecure, but even if he was insecure about a performance of his, he couldn't relate to her issue here.

ej wasn't just popular and sporty, he was objectively handsome. that saying people have that "puberty hit him like a truck", that was ej. ashlyn had always hated hearing so many people at east high gush over her cousin's good looks. but besides being good looking, he was thin. his body was toned, not just lanky, but he had never had to worry about having enough time to complete the mile for the national fitness test. (having a higher bmi meaning you get less time on that thing was something she could never understand) he had never worried about being relegated to a character actor because he wasn't perfectly standard. skinny, beautiful, white. ashlyn knows she's incredibly privileged in the color of her skin, but that doesn't save her from her insecurities around her appearance.

she was happy with the way she looked, she did think she was beautiful, but seeing lily in that audition room had done something to completely rock her confidence. the other girl was stick thin, blonde, and with that perfectly princess-like voice and attitude, ashlyn knew her to be the textbook ingenue. and even if ashlyn worked as hard as she could, she would never look like her... she was okay with that, someone else's beauty wasn't her lack by any means.

it just was hard to feel like other people would be able to truly envision her as the most beautiful girl in the entire kingdom, belle. the beauty of beauty and the beast. hell ej had gotten cast as gaston, handsome, strong, charismatic, even if gaston wasn't quite the best person. (which, the roles the cousins had been given was disgusting to think about too much). she has questioned what miss jenn may have done if ej hadn't said he wanted to step back and not play the lead... but she tries not to pause on it too long. it was too incredibly weird.

ej was used to playing handsome leading men, but she wasn't used to being any sort of lead, let alone the delicate ingenue, the disney princess... ashlyn caswell wasn't the "princess type". but yet talking to big red at dinner on valentine's day she heard him say that she should play the princess in everything.

red didn't fix her concerns, that was going to be her hill to climb, but he certainly did make her feel good about her place in the musical. he was a good boyfriend... and that was all she could really ask of him: his support and his love. he has made it very clear since the beginning of the relationship that she has both of those things from him.

the moment she finally starts to truly feel solid in her role is singing a song from their musical. though she'd performed it not for herself, but for gina, the results were two-fold. "home" had made gina agree to stay in salt lake city, stay at east high, stay with ashlyn, and the redheaded girl was more than thrilled to know she'd been the reason gina wanted to be here...

but there had been one other gift that came from her performance (besides her cousin's clear pride at watching her come into her own).  ashlyn hadn't felt so connected to belle yet at all before that very moment as she broke out into song, the notes flowing almost effortlessly from her lips. maybe the combination of ricky's scattered emotions and her unsureness about her place in the show hadn't exactly led to the two being true leaders in their cast just yet, but she had a feeling this was going to change now. (well, she would be stepping up. her beast's space in the theatre group was still a bit shaky, though it seemed even from the outside that ricky himself was feeling more than a bit shaky in general...)

home was her moment of truly feeling whole in her own part, in believing that she would be be able to go out and give a performance worthy of winning the menken awards. sure, maybe north high had the expensive facilities and the fancy costumes, but her heart was in this show, and that's what was so beautifully special about east high drama. the heart of it all.

as sebby had said, "friendship" was the key. and sure, miss jenn had shot down that answer, shot it down twice in fact with a little remark of "no seb." but that didn't make him wrong so much as it made miss jenn's point different from the way seb matthew-smith saw their group. ashlyn knows there's a lot to say for formal training and expensive theatres with private dance rooms, but passion for each other can do a lot for a performance.

ricky and nini's opening night duet to breaking free, which is what apparently led directly to them getting back together, was an excellent example of this. their love for one another made for a compelling vision of troy and gabriella's love for each other. sure, the whole second act was a mess, but when the pair of them were singing just then, it was beautiful. ashlyn remembers watching from the wings like it was yesterday... though she also remembers one other very special moment from that night that took place after the show...

falling in love with her boyfriend's best friend for the sake of a good performance wasn't exactly on the table. nor does she think she would likely want to date ricky bowen even if they weren't both in happy relationships. he was a cool guy, but she doesn't know if he's exactly her... but something that was on the table was using their growing friendship, along with their feelings for their respective significant others, to guide the way for their on stage chemistry. ashlyn just has to hope he can bring his a-game by the time they hit opening week...

they all were not only scene partners, but friends, a family of theatre people... that was what would make their show the best it could be. even if seb's beliefs could be considered overly optimistic, ashlyn likes to think he was right. having each other's backs was what would make a good performance, that's what miss jenn was trying to show them when she refused lily even an ensemble role for her mistreatment of big red.

she was going to make a home for herself in belle. a name for herself with the performance that east high, that salt lake city would remember.., and she was only a sophomore, so if she doesn't blow this as she's so afraid to do, she'll have many more opportunities to show that she can be the ingenue.

just as played from the cheap pink plastic speakers in that sing along disney princess story book she remembers reading as a child, "every girl can be a princess, any dream can be..."

she is the princess, even if she isn't a size two like her north high counterpart... she is going to perform and make a beautiful story come to life... get a standing ovation like she's always deep down dreamed of. she'd make her family proud, both the people who'd raised her, and the members of her theatre troupe who'd brought her into this beautiful opportunity to really finally shine...

{author's note; this was like twelve different things... but i like what it turned into... i hope someone enjoys it!!!}