underneath the lights || hsmtmts

lift me up || a seb introspection ft. seblos

if seb matthew-smith was anything, he was a good person. that was easy to see from anyone's outside perspective. the sweet blonde farm boy with the huge family of siblings was there for everyone, even when they weren't giving him the same respect. and right now... he definitely wasn't getting respect from others.

even as such a warm hearted soul, maybe especially, it's easy take the words of people you so care about to heart, especially when it's from someone you love. even if they don't mean any harm, and deep down you know it... sometimes it's hard to remember. seb glances over his shoulder at the others in the rehearsal room as he fills up his water bottle in the hall.

the fact the room they practiced in was a bomb shelter seemed fairly fitting, the (admittedly open) doors being the one thing keeping him from exploding his feelings upon his overbearing classmates and teacher. when they talk about opening the floodgates of tears, that's a bit how seb feels it might go if he steps back through the doorway to the bomb shelter. except likely less crying and more shouting.

no- not shouting. probably not anyway... he didn't like to raise his voice. it scares the animals when you yell. a bit funny considering the rooster likes to croak at all hours... (no, not just as an alarm clock in the mornings contrary to popular belief.) but yes, seb maintained a jolly and more quiet demeanor, from home to school and back again. he was a quiet child into a quiet teenager. exploring music and through it musical theatre- playing sharpay... that was the loudest he'd ever truly been. and not simply in decibel volume.

carlos was far from quiet, be it in volume or expressiveness. sometimes seb had to admit he envied his boyfriend for it. sometimes- like lately... he felt a bit buried by it. if you're going to speak so loud why not use that voice for me instead of against me? that is only one of far too many questions seb wants to ask. he can't just do it though. obedient in the way he was raised to avoid conflict and a bit saddened by the way he's being addressed without recourse, he'll bury the questions, burn the letters that trail across the movie screen in his mind.

"no seb." two words, said far to many times in that room. he's loitering in the hallway and he knows it, but their five isn't over... he has time to steep in his thoughts like his mom's morning cup of earl grey. if the water almost overflows the bottle from the filling station he doesn't give it any time to become an issue, sipping from the top until there's room to screw the lid right back where it belongs.

he stands silent in the doorway, this time glancing straight in. how do they all seem so happy- they're validated by one another... by their parts- by their teacher. the teacher who didn't give him a role any larger than a very small teacup. and carlos so adored her, seb wouldn't- nay, couldn't say anything to discredit his favoured educator. he knew carlos hadn't gotten this kind of support from a teacher before. he deserves to be happy. but doesn't seb too?

no one even notices him watching the cheerful conversations from the doorway. he doesn't think so anyway... it's not until later when he's sitting at the piano, just the way kourtney found him on valentine's day (but not playing his thinking jazz this time), that he's able to get his thoughts into something that felt both real and still kind.

his voice echoes through the halls, even as he's just doing this for himself the way he'd play on his sister's old barbie keyboard in the hayloft of his family's barn. the piano at school was just far better than an old toy, even when it's for an audience of one. and seb isn't ready to go home.

he'll be lucky he didn't, for the right person was listening the the words that pour from his lips.

"won't someone lift me up? i think my legs are shaking...

someone pick me up... my heart is nearly breaking...

these days it almost feels like tomorrow's just another round of yesterday-

another chance for you to shut me down- when you could help me fly...

these things that keep me in the dark and you're not asking why...

if you'd just lift me up- i think i might stop shaking...

if you'd just pick me up- my heart no longer breaking...

i'd guessed no one would hold me tight enough to break my fall...

and yet again right here you are- if you could just answer my call..."

the lyrics pour out of him without issue, and if it's not heartbreaking to listen back to the recording he's taken on his phone, what truly is heartbreaking is the look on carlos rodriguez's face when his boyfriend finishes what he has of the song. he doesn't interrupt the moment given it would be too much of an intrusion even for him, but that also means seb doesn't have to see the tear roll down his cheek.

—

the next day in rehearsal, miss jenn hits seb matthew-smith with another 'no seb' when he dares to suggest they might be better off focusing on what they're good at, focusing on their bonds as a cast rather than attempts at beating north high at their own game with fancy and expensive production values.

her rejection is so expected, but it still stings. what he doesn't expect is the voice who actually defends his words.

"you know miss jenn- i think seb might be right. we're never going to win the menkies by trying to be north high. they're going to be able to out buy us with sets and costumes, fancy special effects, all of that. they don't have one thing that we have though- we have a family here." carlos steps up to the plate, and the twinkle in seb's eyes is unmistakable.

it's ricky that says something next, and this one really surprises seb. not because ricky bowen was prone to being rude to him in this way, but because ricky has been a bit shaken up himself these days. maybe though that's why he wants to defend him... "we have love miss jenn. that's the thing that's going to see us through if anything does. that's the whole point of the story isn't it? love conquers all?"

the chorus of voices, all in his corner, have him a bit shaken, legs weakened but this time in a good way.

carlos approaches him on a break a bit later and manages to catch the blonde boy in a state of shock once more. "i know i've probably been a shitty boyfriend for not supporting you lately, but i love you seb... i hope i can do a better job of showing it..."

"you- you love me?"

"is that okay?" carlos seems unsure for once. that's new.

"more than okay. i love you too. thank you- for showing me as well as telling..."

"of course. and uh- maybe next time you write a song with me involved it'll be a bit more sappy and less depressing."

seb's hand clasps over his mouth briefly. "you heard that?"

"sorry? i guess i just couldn't leave when i heard your voice..."

"no, you don't have to be sorry. just- please tell me if i don't notice something like that and you're struggling again okay?"

"i can do that. and um carlos- i love you too... i'm sure i'll be able to write you something sweet about that."

for now though, the smile on both boys faces are enough.

—

{author's note: hi all! i know it's been a while i've just been busy. i do still plan to write your requests but just- patience will be key here i think on my end as well as yours.

the song lyrics are mine! i hope you all enjoy the seblos content!!!

feel free to share your thoughts or requests if you have any in the comments!}