Insouciant // Dreamnotfound

-12

TW// SELF HARM, SUICIDE ATTEMPT, INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS, BLOOD, MATURE LANGUAGE, ANXIETY

I will put a trigger warning before the self harm happens. You can skip a bit if needed. Please stay safe <3

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I was walking around my living room, constantly staring and shaking at the photos placed on the kitchen counter. Dream left 30 minutes ago. His mother needed him.

I don't know what to do. It's been almost 3 hours since I heard they passed. It felt like my heart broke. Literally breaking. I made my way to the kitchen, standing in front of the oven.

What am I supposed to do? What am I actually doing? What is happening?
I aggressively opened the drawers. Cutlery landed on the floor in front of my feet.

"WHAT AM I DOING?" I yelled. My hands were shaking. The ride started again. The moment I think about it, it all comes back. The anger mixed with sadness.

What if I?
I looked down at the knifes on the floor. I picked them up, placing them on the counter. Except for the small kitchen knife. It was small and sharp.

Don't do it George. Or should I? I should do it?
But don't. It's bad.
"But I wanna feel something" I whispered. I looked out of my window.

It was late, the world was dark and silent.
You got distracted George.

I slowly removed the sleeve of my G hoodie. The hoodie Dream gave me. With the giant G, decorated with flowers.

I stared at my wrist. My plain skin. It looked so dry. So ugly. I pulled the sleeve up to my shoulder, revealing my whole arm.

I remember when I got my first injection against some sickness. I was only 5 years old when that woman pricked in my arm.

I held the knife with my right hand. What if?
No one would notice. No one really cares. If I just cover it up with the sleeves of my hoodie no one would know. I can wear long sleeves and jeans in summer, it'll be fine.

I closed my eyes and placed the sharp side of the knife on my arm. I located it near my elbow so it was easier to hide.

There was this one voice in my mind, telling me to hurt myself. It kept yelling for me to place the knife deeper in my skin.

But the other voice told me to instantly put the sharp thing away. Away from me. Why am I thinking like this? What is happening to me?

|| !TW SELF HARM! ||

I opened my eyes again, slowly sliding the blade against my skin. It didn't hurt that bad.
I placed it sideways on the same place, sliding it down my arm. It opened a small wound and bits of blood escaped from it.

Blood. I'm still alive. I'm bleeding. That's what we want to see. Blood.

I repeated my actions twice before placing the sharp thing on my wrist.
This was scary. I don't feel like killing my veins.

"Close your eyes George. Close them and do it. It doesn't hurt that bad"

I placed the knife deeper on the side of my wrist. I moved it downwards, creating a wound.
More blood escaped the cut.

Blood is all we want. Blood.
I did it again, sliding the knife against my skin. I made another deep wound.
This is addicting.

|| !TW END! ||

I knew I was losing myself. I promised myself to never hurt myself this bad. When I was younger, I always told my friends I was okay. I told them to not worry.
'I'm fine, don't worry'
That's how I cope.