Insouciant // Dreamnotfound

-14

TW// SUICIDAL ACTIONS, ANXIETY, INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS, MATURE LANGUAGE

We talked about a lot of things the next morning. I didn't even want to open up. I regret it. I need to do this on my own.

So I ran away. I ran away from Dream.

I saw him following me for a couple of seconds. That's it. I just ran away. He yelled for me to come back.

I needed to clear my mind. I needed to end some things.

I did give Dream a hug before I left. But I felt so full. Full of bullshit. Full of worries.

I don't like talking that much. I never really liked it. Communicating with people is hard. I never made good sentences. I was just a mess.

Moments later I calmly walked to the bridge. That bridge. That bridge where I failed yesterday.
The bridge where I almost ended it.

I felt so empty.
Just exhausted.
I climbed on the railing without considering what was going on.

I told Dream I love him.
I hugged the boy I love.
I told him I'm safe.
I told Dream I'll be fine.

I threw my phone on the concrete.
Was this the end?
I felt so empty. I can't handle it anymore.

I spread my arms wide in a T-pose, facing the highway.

George. Control.
I started shaking. This is kinda scary. But ill be fine. I'll be Insouciant within now and a couple of minutes.

This was scary. I looked down at the water. It was a high bridge. Was it worth it? Definitely.
What if I fail again?
It doesn't matter George. You always failed things. Everyone hates you.

But what if something happens?

Shut the fuck up George, no one cares about you. No one will 'save' you. Just shut up and jump off.

I looked at my phone on the ground. It was an early morning, only 8 AM.

Stop getting distracted George. You stupid fuck, keep your attention.

I need to do so many things. I have so much left to explore.

Do you remember when you ran down the highway in the rain, holding Dream's hand? You felt alive. You felt like taking on the world. You looked so happy.
Dream dragged you in every small pond he could find.

Your clothes got soaked, but you didn't care. You had fun.
You had fun with the boy you love.

Memories.
It's the memories you're leaving.
And Dream.

Just shut up and jump off. It's not that hard.
I sighed, closing my eyes.

"I love you Dream" I whispered.

I let my body fall backwards, off the bridge. It quickly hit the water and I almost passed out.

I could finally be Insouciant. Free from my problems.
Free from everything that's haunting me.
Free from that stupid scar on my foot.
Free from every dumb thing I ever did.
Free from my parent's death.
Free from whatever is hurting me.

It felt like it happened so quickly.

All I could see was water around me. Sound logical. I could see a shadow of the bridge. I fell deep. Deep into the river. Water rapidly entered my lungs.

This was the end. I'm drowning.
Something told me to go up.
Go up and get air.
Someone was holding me from under.

It was as the river was gripping me and pressing me down to the bottom.
I couldn't go up. I couldn't do anything.