The Lockdown

26/04/2020 - Epilogue

Day 7 of the liberation. It's the last day of my journey with this book and though it's been written during the most difficult time in my life, I have found it comforting. It will be the first write-up I have ever completed and I am proud of myself. No matter what you think of it when you see it, I will never feel worried or ashamed of anything I have written here. I found today comforting as well. I had two meals today, both satisfying. I didn't study for the SAT today. My other book will be continued tomorrow. But I practiced Spanish, ASL and did some online course sessions very well and read HP to my satisfaction. 

The coronavirus disease has so far infected about 3 million people and there have been about 210,000 deaths. I actually can't predict when this outbreak will be over or how many more cases and deaths will occur before it is over but life will go on and even this shall pass but the main focus today is to give a sneak peek into the inner me.

On October 30, 2000, I was brought into the world in Benin City, Edo State, Nigeria. According to my parents, I had a disturbing childhood by supernatural forces who wanted to end my life. Although I don't believe in superstition, I am in no position to argue with them as I was not even self-conscious during those years of my life. The furthest memory I have of my childhood was a day in December 2007. All I remember was I was watching Home Alone. I became almost fully self-conscious after moving to Ghana at age 9. My family had fled from Nigeria partly to live a life of solitude and focus on education. For now, let's take that to be the only reason. 

I have been known by many for many years to be "intelligent" or "sharp" or "smart". Some people think I was born "smart" or that it is just easy to keep on remaining at that level. If only they knew how painful it is to deny yourself the pleasures of the world. I won't even say I denied myself those pleasures because the truth is I never had them in the first place and still don't. My parents have been my main supporters and if not for their support and words of wisdom, maybe those people who admire me wouldn't know my name in the first place. I don't see myself to be as good as they say even if they are not that educated. Yes, I might be book-smart but that would mean I can cram things very well. It won't be so helpful in real-life situations. I mean you can't look up your future problems in a book and cram the solutions to tackle them when they come. 

I know one's life in the present world is being judged by certificates of academic excellence and stuff like that and although it's very unfortunate, it is why people think I will make it, and to some extent they are right. But I know I will never be content with just that. I want to change the world. I want to leave an impact that will be felt for aeons if possible and school certificates won't do that for me because I am not the first and won't be the last book-smart person on earth. 

Since the age of 11. I have been puzzled by the universe. Before 11 I wanted to be a zoologist, but I had this dream where I witnessed some celestial bodies being formed. My interest in space knew no bounds since then. By age 13 I had read a complete coursebook for university-level astronomy and even if I didn't understand a lot of formulae, I was able to get the understanding of how things worked. I have a lot of plans to discover things but my resources are limited. So although my life is devoted to uncovering the truth about the universe, I decided to dedicate about 13 years of my life - the time required to become a neurosurgeon in the US - studying medicine when I get into university. Although I wasn't really interested in it before making that decision, I have now found a passion for it, because understanding more about our brain which in itself is a universe of its own is, I believe, the first step in understanding the universe due to its striking similarity and complexity. Also, a neurosurgeon would mean I get to save lives, which is a big deal to me.

I have appeared to be flawless in some people's eyes, but we all know that is not possible or sensible because no one is perfect or even close to. I believe I have more problems than most of those people themselves. One big problem apart from my family's financial issue is to have questions that no one can provide answers to. I have a belief that everything ends- joy, fear, pain, life and even death and trying to fuse it into our world is hard considering the birth and death of the universe because it seems like every ending is a new beginning, so does everything end or does everything begin? Questions like this puzzle me and lead to painful sleepless nights dealing with an existential crisis. In short, I still have my inner demons to fight and conquer.

One of the sweetest topics for me is that of religion. I do not identify myself as having a particular religion but I think my conscience is enough to direct me. I'm closest to being called a pantheist, and that's that. Call me whatever you want, but if I change for people I won't be me anymore. My dad calls it "taking a rigid decision". Albert Einstein put it best: I just cannot conceive of a God who rewards and punishes his creatures. I won't dwell deeper into religion because it is a sensitive topic but sometimes people try to convince me to change my thoughts and beliefs about the world, what they don't know is that my mind's already made up.

My emotional state is a far less interesting topic. I have found it extremely hard to control all my feelings except anger and joy. The one that I prefer the most is pain. To me, pain is success and I find I am most productive when I'm in pain. By pain, I don't mean physical hurt, I just mean sacrificing your time for something and missing out on other things that at that moment, are 100 times more enjoyable. I sometimes see myself doing things I already know what the outcome will be and the effect they will have on my emotional state but for some reason, I can't stop myself, even if it will cause me unwanted joy or incredible pain. And when I see the outcome, my body will still succumb to it like I didn't know it would happen that way. Dr Manhattan explains it this way: "We are all puppets, but sometimes we can see the strings."

I feel lonely sometimes. A lot of times actually. I am an introvert so I feel lonely in the sense that until now, I have not met someone who shares my views concerning the universe, my love for comics, and someone who I could explain my inner thoughts to without looking at me ridiculously. Apart from my parents, some other people come close to answering the call. They are amazing but none will want to pass the same path as I will and I know that slowly, our bond will get weaker and weaker and though we will remain friends, life will take everyone to unexpected places. It's just how life is and it is bound to happen. I have met a lot of people in this my 19 years of life and the people that I am sure can both understand me and at the same time follow my path are either in the comics world or dead like Albert Einstein, Stephen Hawking and Carl Sagan or just too far to be reached like Brian Greene. 

I want to know everything or as much of everything as I can but I can't embark on such a journey on my own. I can, but I have a feeling that I will not be enough to absorb what I am about to discover alone. I feel that if I keep on going deeper and more obsessed with getting knowledge, I might forget my place or lose my connection to humans. I need a link, in the form of a person, to hold me in place. I've learnt from Dr Manhattan's mistake. Bonus points for me if she is as enthusiastic about finding out the truth of the universe as I am because I sometimes fantasize myself leaving this planet to find answers in some places I won't mention here but know can give me some; she will be the Big Barda to my Scot Free. 

I swear I can sometimes see my future. I know when it will end, because it will end one day, but not until that day I am not worried about anything, not even death. I have a purpose and not until the mission is completed, the universe will not let even death take me. It doesn't matter if it is a thousand years it takes to complete it. Yes!!!! I have made enough preparations to live for that long if needed. The stage has been set and it's waiting for me to walk on it. And I have found out that everyone on earth has a stage set up for them too. It's why I keep on encouraging those who feel they can't. Everybody has a mission to complete and everybody's mission is as unique as the individual. I wish the world will be more open-minded and see that there's nothing impossible as far as you are a part of everything. Just put your mind to anything and even though you don't come out successfully (which I doubt might happen), you will nonetheless be rewarded in some mysterious way.